The Golden Blogs

Sorry I'm late.  I couldn't find a parking spot.  Who knew that it would be tough to find a spot at Sunset and Crescent Heights on Sunday night.  I'm dumb.  But that's why I can't can't find a decent job in this town.  But let's go on to the award show.

Apparently I missed the opening monologue of the Golden Globes.  So let's just assume that Ricky Gervais said something that was slightly uncomfortable for the attendees.  Lucky for them, they'll be so sloshed by the end of the show, the only person who will remember will be the guy running the teleprompter.

Wait.  It appears that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are hosting.  Feh.  Who cares.  Women can't be funny, or at least that's what I learned from Jerry Lewis.

So Christoph (or is it Kristof, Qristopf?) Waltz won for something.  I'm told now it was Django Unchained.  I'd like to say one thing about that movie - the fact that they didn't play the Van Halen hit "Unchained"in it was a major oversight.

As for the next category (I'm slowly catching up, give me a moment), one of the women from Downton Abbey won. But the big news around the Golden Globe party was how orange Sofia Vergara looked.  This prompted one of the attendees to say that she looked like a tangerine.  I'm also not drunk yet.  This is starting to annoy me.

On to the next award.  Showing that "Development Hell" really does blow the timing of things in Hollywood, it only took four years for a movie about the 2008 election to win a 2012 Golden Globe.  And as I seem to recall, one of the winners blew smoke up the ass thanked the "bravery" of HBO for greenlighting the project.  Want to be really brave? Greenlight my blog to a TV show.  Until then, I'll just think of you as a bunch of pussies admirable executives who just need a little persuading.

Does anyone know who won the Pats/Houton came?  When I left New England was up by 14 or so.  I can't wait for the riveting post-game interview with Belichick.

I'm pretty sure I missed an award, but I was too busy gazing longingly at Gwegriu Iierughweiug von Ghaowrihgwr from the Hollywood Foreign Press.  "Baby, call me."

And proving that Hollywood actors are nothing more than empty vessels who can't think on their own, Paul Rudd and Mrs. François-Henri Pinault were unable to function without the Teleprompter running.  The echo in the room was audible.  That's two Teleprompter references already.  Maybe I am getting buzzed?

If Twitter is correct, producers of Homeland just spoiled their own series.  Even the smart people in Hollywood are stupid.

I really wish these commercial breaks were longer because I don't have nearly enough time to fix a drink, pee and get food.

For a CIA operative, this guy sure ain't smart enough to use a microphone.

Jason Statham is either really short or Jennifer Lopez is...no, Statham is short.  And now I'm caught up.

Given the amount of time it took him to get to stage, I'm pretty certain that the guy who won for "Best Original Score" was seated in the Starbucks across the street from the Beverly Hilton.

And now for the fashion recap of the evening.  "I like Jennifer Lopez's dress," this according to a certain DGA nominee.

Oh, here's my prediction for the evening: Adele wins.

Fucking nailed it.  Now the DGA nominee asks whether Adele is pregnant.  This is met by a chorus of shrieks from everyone else who knows (I didn't) that she already had her child.  I'm convinced the baby is lodged in the bun on top of her head.

Oh pinch me.  A new season of Smash is just around the corner.  I can barely wait.  And by barely wait, I mean I forgot that it didn't get cancelled.

There's a lot of criticism of Jessica Alba's boobs.  Based on how many times he's looking at them, Kiefer Sutherland doesn't seem to mind.

Kevin Costner is as exciting as uzzzzzzzual.

The entire room just had an orgasm.  Clinton walked out.  Actually, one of the people at this party started crying.  But it wasn't me.  I'm just biting my lip.  What's Gennifer Flowers up to these days?

In the event you're wonder whether Amy Poehler is back on the market after breaking up with Will Arnett, the plunging neckline says "Yes.  And I'm ready for some lovin'."

Patriots won 41-28.  Gary Kubiak is gonna get fired.

I kinda zoned out during the Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig routine.  Honestly I was looking up the score of the Northwestern/Iowa game.  NU lost 70-50.  We suck.

"You get out."  If only I knew what that meant.

"I beat Meryl!" Well, guess what Jen?  Madam Streep is gonna beat your ass like a rented mule after the show is over.  Better hope that bow and arrow still works.

Magic City got nominated?  What a terrible idea.  The only thing about that show that's worth anything is the nudity.  There, I said it.

Jonah Hill realized that people people liked him fat better.  He's rounding his way back into shape.  In unrelated news, it turns out that Megan Fox can read.  I guess I owe someone $20.

Anne Hathaway: Boxers, briefs or commando?  Just wondering.

How much Sofia Vegara is too much Sofia Vergara?  I'm pretty sure I've reached the point of saturation.

Tarantino just won.  Suck on that Spike Lee.  Or whatever.  I don't really care one way or the other.  The prevailing theory in the room is that Q is just slightly drunk.  Matt LeBlanc has no idea what's happening.  That's nothing new.

Terrance Howard just won for House of Lies.  I'm not sure why.  The show stinks.  And yes.  I watched the entire first season..sober.  It didn't help.

Happy Toyotathon everyone.  I'm sorry if I forgot to wish you that earlier.

The Expendibles just announced something.  As neither of them have a command of the English language, I'll just wait for someone to take the stage and explain what happened...Oh fuck. He has an accent too.  Time for a cocktail.

Lea Michele wins the award for "Orangest Person of the Evening."

Quote of the evening, "Yeah Target!"  I have no idea why.  Athough that reminds me that I'm running out of Q-Tips.   I guess advertising does work. 
 
The entire room is reading their phones right now.  Technology makes us so anti-social.  Luckily, I had a head start on that.  I hated everyone long before the iPhone came out.

It would have been a lot more entertaining if the guy from Disney/Pixar who accept for Brave said "Holy Shit!" instead of "Holy cow!"  I'm just saying.

Justine Bateman has really let herself go.  On the plus side, she's strong enough to carry one of the waitstaff from the Beverly Hilton.  I wonder what Tina Yothers is up to these days.

I can walk in high heels better than Lena Dunham.

Maybe I'm drunk, or maybe Robert Downey Jr. is on coke, but I have no idea what's happening.  On the plus side, the routine was more entertaining The Beaver.

"She's fucked up," says a DGA nominee of Jodie Foster.  I can't say I disagree.

If I wasn't drunk, I'd swear that Jodie Foster was finally coming out.  But NBC bleeped out the entire fucking thing.  So let's just assume she said she's actually Dustin Hoffman from Tootsie.  In related news, Mel Gibson seemed terribly confused.  But that's not a huge surprise.

Ben Affleck and his variable hairline won.  So that's something.  Note he didn't thank Matt Damon.  The bromance is over.

It would have been funnier if they'd cut to Josh Brolin if he'd been drunk and passed out on the floor.  Who produced this thing?

Jay Leno is still a dick.  A big-chinned, no-talent dick.  Ok, maybe I'm getting drunk now.  Only 37 minutes to go.  And then...the post-award wrap up.  Just kidding.  I'm going to pass out.

For some reason, these Sofia Vergara ads have me craving milk instead of Diet Pepsi (thanks Gary).

Can anyone explain to me, and I'm serious about this, why Comedy and Musical are in the same category?  I think the Hollywood Foreign Press doesn't quite understand the difference between the two.  Fuzzy foreigners.

I wonder how much Tina Fey and Amy Poehler got for "hosting" the Golden Globes?

Chris Tucker is still in the entertainment industry?

For starrring in a movie about miserable people, Anne Hathaway and Hugh Jackman are awfully happy.  In unrelated news, only 17 minutes to go.  Will I be able to suck down two more beers before the evening ends?  Don't bet against me.

We get it Amy Poehler.  You have new boobs and like to show Will Arnett what he can't have any more.

Daniel Day Lewis is boring.  And nothing could be a more appropriate conclusion to the Golden Globes.  In related news, he looks like Morissey.

Oh crap.  One more award.  The remake of Fargo won.

I'm done.  Slightly drunk.  Also I gotta pee.  Hope you enjoyed reading this more than I enjoyed writing it.  See you in a month for the Academy Awards when I will rip everyone a new asshole I will heap insincere praise on Hollywood royalty.

And don't forget to tune in this weekend for my frequent updates from the useless exercise that is Sundance.

"On the day before Christmas" - A Temp Diaries Christmas Carol

'Tis the season

It's the holiday season. And no one is more interested in celebrating this time of year than me, your humble host, Temp X. While some people hate my musical numbers (although not as much as they hate my drunken Twitter posts of Glee), I can't help myself.  Every time I go to the 99 Cent Store to blow my pittance of a paycheck, I get swept up in the Musak-inspired Christmas carols they blast from the COBY CD/cassette player behind Register #2.

So it is with this, I decided to write my own tune.  It's to the tune of the 12 Days of Christmas. And I'd like to dedicate it to every soulless executive in this town. Or put more simply, every executive in this town.

Enjoy.

On the day before Christmas,
my asshole boss gave to me
A bonus check for a dollar fifty.

On the day before Christmas,
my asshole boss gave to me
Two dogs to poop,
And a bonus check for a dollar fifty.

On the day before Christmas,
my asshole boss gave to me
Three cars to wash,
Two dogs to poop,
And a bonus check for a dollar fifty.

On the day before Christmas,
my asshole boss gave to me
Four expense reports,
Three cars to wash,
Two dogs to poop,
And a bonus check for a dollar fifty.

On the day before Christmas,
my asshole boss gave to me
Five migraines,
Four expense reports,
Three cars to wash,
Two dogs to poop,
And a bonus check for a dollar fifty.

On the day before Christmas,
my asshole boss gave to me
Six piles of filing,
Five migraines,
Four expense reports,
Three cars to wash,
Two dogs to poop,
And a bonus check for a dollar fifty.

On the day before Christmas,
my asshole boss gave to me
Seven packages to mail,
Six piles of filing,
Five migraines,
Four expense reports,
Three cars to wash,
Two dogs to poop,
And a bonus check for a dollar fifty.

On the day before Christmas,
my asshole boss gave to me
Eight memos to write,
Seven packages to mail,
Six piles of filing,
Five migraines,
Four expense reports,
Three cars to wash,
Two dogs to poop,
And a bonus check for a dollar fifty.

On the day before Christmas,
my asshole boss gave to me
Nine calls to roll,
Eight memos to write,
Seven packages to mail,
Six piles of filing,
Five migraines,
Four expense reports,
Three cars to wash,
Two dogs to poop,
And a bonus check for a dollar fifty.

On the day before Christmas,
my asshole boss gave to me
Ten specs to read,
Nine calls to roll,
Eight memos to write,
Seven packages to mail,
Six piles of filing,
Five migraines,
Four expense reports,
Three cars to wash,
Two dogs to poop,
And a bonus check for a dollar fifty.

On the day before Christmas,
my asshole boss gave to me
Eleven lunches to order,
Ten specs to read,
Nine calls to roll,
Eight memos to write,
Seven packages to mail,
Six piles of filing,
Five migraines,
Four expense reports,
Three cars to wash,
Two dogs to poop,
And a bonus check for a dollar fifty.

On the day before Christmas,
my asshole boss gave to me
Twelve scripts to copy,
Eleven lunches to order,
Ten specs to read,
Nine calls to roll,
Eight memos to write,
Seven packages to mail,
Six piles of filing,
Five migraines,
Four expense reports,
Three cars to wash,
Two dogs to poop,
And a bonus check for a dollar fifty!

Assuming the world ends today, this is my last post

Tu Stultus Es

'Tis the season...for drinking and dirty jokes

Twas the days before Xmas break

And all through Hollywood

Not an executive was conscious

They've drunk more than they should

****

The Hollywood Temp Diaries, in cooperation with the comic genius of the "Josh and Josh Show" hereby invites you to the 2012 Holiday Party Substitute.  It was such a grand time last year, how could we not do it again.

Come for the comedy, stay for the chance of a drunken hook up.

****

Thursday, December 20
8:00 p.m.* - 2:00 a.m. (comedy then dance party)
Bar Lubitsch – 7702 Santa Monica Blvd – West Hollywood
*comics will likely hit the stage around 8:30

****

Scheduled performers:

David Huntsberger (Premium Blend, Last Comic Standing), Brendon Walsh (Conan, Last Comic Standing), Matt Ritter (Chained to my Ex), Michael Kosta (Comedy Central Presents...)

****

No Cover Charge (Hooray!)/ Cash Bar (I'm not made of money.)
No RSVP Required.

First person to identify me gets a free drink.

The Dreaded Christmas Cards

[Yep.  Same one as last year.]

Like A Charlie Brown Christmas, some things merit an annual rerun. Thus I offer this posting from November 14, 2008 with tips and recommendations for doing your boss's holiday cards. I have also added a few viewer comments that you might find helpful.

Do you hear that? It sounds a little like a whale's mating call but with more sniffling. That's the sound of Mom X and Dad X crying because of what I'm about to write.

My parents did their darnedest. They made sure my education was top notch. They moved to good school districts. They sent me to accelerated programs, SAT prep classes and the second best college in Chicago. They spent many nights helping me with math homework (until I got to Algebra 2, at which point they were useless). Heck, when my fifth grade class had a balsa wood bridge building contest, Dad X gave me book on roof trusses so I could learn about structural engineering. (FYI -- The bridge held 70 pounds and I came in second place).

But after all that education and preparation for the real world, reading volumes of books on urban development, German history and the Nixon administration, I've been reduced to to this tedious but critical skill in Hollywood -- mailing Christmas cards.

Trust me, I'm as sick about it as you. A couple years ago I worked for someone who mailed cards to 1,400 people. That's like sending a card to one out of four people in Wasilla, Alaska. It was a trying moment in my Hollywood "career." But like death, taxes and a new SAW movie every Halloween, Christmas cards are an unavoidable task for a Hollywood assistant.

Following are tips on ways to make this dark period of your life go by as quickly as possible. So turn on some music, relax, pour some whiskey in your coffee and dive in. It'll be over before you know it...

• DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES USE MICROSOFT WORD AND SIMPLY TYPE UP EACH ADDRESS ON AN INDIVIDUAL LABEL. THIS WILL LEAD TO DISASTER BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SORT, ALPHABETIZE OR CROSS-REFERENCE ANYTHING. USE A DATABASE OR MICROSOFT EXCEL AND THEN DO A MAIL MERGE.

• Use each field in the database for one item only (e.g., first name, city, zip). Do not combine the recipient's first name and last name into one data field (e.g., "Elisabeth" and "Hasselbeck" versus "Elisabeth Hasselbeck").

• Make sure your mailing labels are big enough for all the address information. Avery 5260s (the ones your office is most likely to have) are usually good for four lines of information. So after putting in the person's name, title, company and street address, your label is full. Consider eliminating or consolidating non-critical information or getting different labels.

• Don't lick each envelope. Instead, use a glue stick. This will prevent your tongue, breath and salivary glands from revolting against you. Before you seal the envelopes, make sure to cover your work area with paper (I prefer a thin cardboard). This will prevent your desk from getting covered with glue.

• Don't send Christmas cards to dead people. I narrowly avoided this disaster once. If you have any doubt about whether an intended recipients is taking the dirt nap, look it up. Wikipedia is right a good 80 percent of the time.

• Use moisturizer. I know it sounds like that speech about using sunscreen, but I'm very serious. After handling a few hundred envelopes your finger tips dry up and are less likely to protect yourself from very painful paper cuts.

• Show your boss a sample before you assemble all of them. Hollywood executives are a finicky bunch, so it's best to make sure they know exactly what it's gonna look like. Otherwise you'll end up doing this twice.

• CAA moved to 2000 Avenue of the Stars a couple years ago. If anyone still has them at 9830 Wilshire, please update their contacts.

Now let us never speak of this posting again. My college diploma is laughing at me.

********************

Following are some user comments from 2008, 2009 and 2010 you might find helpful.

Anonymous said...

There are a lot of websites that will allow you to create cards and and mail them to hundreds of people. They aren't handwritten, but they are a lot cheaper.

 

Anonymous said...

i used to mail out a gazillion letters a month.. and, i give a firm heads up to the little bottles with the sponge tops. also, flap your envelopes, flattening out the fold over bit, so you can easily slide in cards.. then, using the same stacking, you can swipe the bottle bottom to top, then run the side of your palm down the flap top to bottom, thus reducing motion and effort. flip the stack over, and, by folding the stamp page a bit, the edge of the stamp comes free, allowing you to quickly slide a stamp on each piece. for every 20 cards, stop, press firmly on the upper stage left edge to secure the stamp and move on. (i should do this as a video, right?)  With this, i was able to stuff, seal, label and stamp 1000 letters an hour.

Anonymous said...

I helped out my father and a family friend with a large mailing. Some office supply stores sell a bottle with a sponge on top. You unscrew the top, fill the bottle with water, screw the top back on, then seal away. However, I would never dream of questioning the great and wonderful temp x.

Anonymous said...

Years ago I too sent out hundreds of New Years Cards at my college job. Many fancy holiday cards are also heavier or bigger than regular mail and require more postage. This is rarely noted on the box. I would take one card to the post office to verify the correct postage. You could look like a genius if you catch this problem.

Your best election day excuse...

A Halloween Tradition -- The Nikki Finke Mask

Snooki is already scary! Now there's a costume

[This probably looks a lot like the post from the last two years. That's because it is]

Halloween is today.  But if you haven't had time to figure out what to wear for your office costume contest, the Temp Diaries is here to help.

Welcome to my annual tradition that is the Nikki Finke mask.  The costume is brilliant in its simplicity.  The instructions and everything else you need are below.  Now go scare the shit out of your co-workers with this ghoulish photo.  And then, to really freak them out, tell them it's Nikki Finke.  Just make sure you know CPR.

Happy Halloween!!

 

Neither rain, nor sleet, nor hurricane stops a Hollywood producer from being a jerk

I've been through a major hurricane before.  And I can assure you it's no fun.  I can also tell you that during the storm and its immediate aftermath you think about your family and friends.  You think about how you can help neighbors or perfect strangers, just because it's the right thing to do.  You think about all these things...unless you're a Hollywood asswipe.  Then all you do is think about yourself.

A friend of mine alerted me to the following posting from an industry message board.  It appears that a certain producer in New York City was mightily inconvenienced by Hurricane Sandy.  Pay no attention to the thousands displaced, the fires, the floods or the needs of the injured.  Hollywood rests for no one.  

Subject: NYC / Greenwich Village - Any Places With Internet and Power?

Anyone in New York City know if there are any places with internet and power near Greenwich Village? Any hotels maybe? Production offices? Libraries? I have a Producer in NYC who needs a place to download some footage but their power and internet will be out for the next few days.

Why do I have a sneaking suspicion that this producer's assistant is getting the reaming of a lifetime for not being able to fix the weather?

The Brown List on Howard Stern

I'm the least important person in Hollywood. There's no doubt about that. I can't even get a deal while networks are looking for shows about the least important people in Hollywood. Try to beat that. But one thing I can say, is after 4 1/2 years and nearly 900 posts, I got at least one of my wishes granted. They talked about me on Howard Stern.

I've been a Stern fan for many years. I've experienced the drama with Jackie the Jokeman, Howard's divorce, Artie's many meltdowns and countless screw ups courtesy of Bababooey. Now, when the archives of the King of all Media are compiled, I can at least say I have a small part in them. So what if he doesn't quite get why Scott DePace made the list. Neither do I.

The 2012 Brown List

The day you hoped for/feared is here.  The 2012 Brown List is complete.  A few interesting stats:

• Total nominations topped out at just over 8,300.
• The winner of the Most-Liked executive won with 1,255 nominations.
• The "winner" of the Least-Liked executive garnered 1,185 nominations.

I will not spoil any more surprises.  So now, please enjoy the Brown List.  And if you hear any weeping noises, bring your boss a box of tissues. It's pretty clear he/she might need them.

Vote for "The Grey Area"

I don't ask for much from my fans.  I simply ask that they read the site and tell their friends.  Well, now I need a big favor from you.  The good news is it doesn't cost any money and it's not even for my benefit.

You see, my friend's documentary THE GREY AREA (about issues women face in an Iowa prison) could win an L.A. premiere at the Hollywood ArcLight if you vote for it on Facebook and "Like" it on YouTube.   But do it quickly as voting ends this Sunday, October 14.

Here's all you need to do...

1. Go to this link: http://www.facebook.com/ArclightCinemas?sk=app_173990205980784 
2. Scroll down the list to find THE GREY AREA trailer (in the “Social Issues Documentaries” category) 
3. VOTE!
4. Then give us the THUMBS UP on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iLRS7XQ0Rc&feature=share

And while you're at it, check out the website http://thegreyareamovie.com/ for even more info.  But most importantly, vote. 

Thanks.

Thank You

The headline I'd always hoped I'd see is finally here.  Let's mark the day, October 10, 2012.  Actually there have been two headlines I've always wanted to see, but when Mark Felt came out as Deep Throat, I was down to one.  And here it is...

Yep.  A blog about being a miserable underling in Hollywood sold to CBS, "America's Most Watched Network."™ The only problem is that it's not my blog.  

Yep.  Bummer.

Rather than launch into a booze-fueled pity party, I've decided to take a different approach.  Maybe it's the whiskey talking, but I'd like to thank all of you for your thoughts today.  People I've never met and will probably never meet took the time to send notes on Facebook and Twitter just saying they support me and wish me the best.  

Hollywood is a rough town and typically nobody gives a shit about anyone but themselves (or what's left of the surgically-augmented version of themselves).  But for just a fleeting moment, it seemed that I've found a group of people who are honest and caring.  So while it appears Fred Savage will never produce anything I write, at least I have that.

And now, back to drinking.

 

Brian Grazer doesn't want you

No porcupines need apply

I haven't been posting much recently for a few reasons which I choose not to explain.  Although I will say that it's at least in part due to the fact that I am now driving more than 400 miles a week...just to get to and from work.  The plus side is it means that my postings now are ever so much more special.  Right?  (Please hold, I need to got get a beer.)

Ahhh.  That's better.  If you haven't tried the Sierra Nevada Torpedo IPA (on sale at Rite Aid for $12.99 per 12 pack), I highly recommend it for its combination of flavor and 7.2% alcohol by volume.  But that's besides the point.

Earlier today I posted an position as I often do on Facebook an Twitter for 2nd Assistant position working for uber-producer (and stunt double for the guy in the Axe Hair Gel commercial) Brian Grazer.  Now, how I came across this posting, I shan't tell.  But apparently I set off a shitstorm at Imagine Entertainment as I soon received this email.

Hi my name is [NAME REDACTED] from IMAGINE Entertainment and hiring managers would like to request that you remove the posting regarding the Brian Grazer 2nd assistant position. 

This was meant for a small audience and we are now being flooded with emails....We understand that you simply posted this info because it was given to you and we do not hold you accountable. Would you be able to give us the name of the individual that sent this to you?

You cooperation is much appreciated.

Sincerely,

[NAME REDACTED]

IMAGINE Entertainment 

Suffice it to say I was a little bit surprised that anyone would care that much to contact me because people were actually applying for a job they're attempting to fill.  But what really bothered me is when the person who wrote me (who no doubt was doing it under strict orders from his/her employer, including the wording) asked for the name of the person who sent me the job posting.  Is this going to turn into a witch hunt?  Are you planning on Black Listing this person?  Or are you just going to torture them by making them watch the Grazer-produced 1998 remake of Psycho on an endless loop.

So to answer your question.  No.  I'm not ratting anyone out.  But don't go away mad, just go away.

[UPDATE]

Word around the Interweb travels fast.  While I was busy being passed out on the couch, I received an email from a senior exec at Imagine who explained the whole thing was a misunderstanding.  The person writes as follows.  It's up to you whether you believe it.

Hi there - Yes the GrazerBuck stops with me, but that's not at all what I asked.  My exact language was to say "Thank you for posting. We have a ton of resumes and some really good possibilities.  Would you please take down the post?"     On behalf of IMAGINE, my apologies.

 Imagine that.  An apology in Hollywood.

Brown List 2012 -- Call for Nominations is now CLOSED

THE CALL FOR NOMINATIONS IS NOW CLOSED.  THANKS FOR PARTICIPATING.  STAY TUNED FOR THE RESULTS.

For the fourth year in a row, the Temp Diaries is surveying its readers to identify the MOST-LIKED and LEAST-LIKED entertainment executives.  Once the results are tallied and the report is released, they are compiled into something I've called THE BROWN LIST.  THE BROWN LIST is designed to serve as a resource for job seekers to answer the question "Do I really want to work for [Hollywood Executive]?"

Nomination is easy.  Using the form below:

• Write in your MOST-LIKED entertainment industry executive.
• Write in your LEAST-LIKED entertainment industry executive.
• Add any comments you feel like about your nominees.
• Hit Submit.  All entries are completely anonymous. (See below for more info)

[Note:  Please include their company if you know it.]

THE BROWN LIST uses American Idol-style voting.  So nominate someone as many times as you want.  The deadline for nominations is October 5, 2012 at 11:59 p.m.  I will then tabulate the results and release them October 16, 2011, which by no small coincidence is Boss's Day.

Now get to voting...

NBC is lazy and stupid...but you probably knew that

I have a lot of spare time to think about things.  These hours are primarily spent wasting away idly in a shitty job market while simultaneously avoiding the sweltering heatwave that seems to have enveloped us since last year.

Earlier this evening I went out for a walk, assuming it would be somewhat cool out.  I was wrong.  But that has nothing to do with this evening's post.  I happened to be walking past a urine-soaked bus stop along Melrose (although "urine-soaked" is probably implied when referring to a bus stop on Melrose), when I happened upon a poster for the soon-to-be-canceled NBC sitcom Guys with Kids.  To the unaware, this show is basically a TV adaptation of the 1983 movie Mr. Mom starring Michael Keaton and Teri Garr.  It will show these 30-something men struggling with such newfangled parenting activities as changing diapers and feeding toddlers.

If all this doesn't sound like a compelling "been there, done that" sitcom, there's one more element of unoriginality to this future entry in the TV scrap heap.  And that is its promo poster.  The main characters, played by Anthony Anderson and two guys I've never heard of, look slick in with their shades and their infant-stuffed Baby Bjorns. 

But then I started thinking...where have I seen this before?

Oh right.  A sleepy little indie film called The Hangover. 
 

Keep up the good work NBC.  You never fail to fail to impress.

Memedja!

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day - with The CW

Most job postings in Hollywood ask for the same basic skills - ability to roll calls, make photo copies, send emails, etc.  You know, the stuff your average first grader can do.  Well, at the fifth most important broadcast network, The CW, they take these elementary school demands one step further.  They expect you to be able to tell time. 

That's right.  The screenshot below comes directly from an EntertainmentCareers.net posting.  The network, which is host to such abysmally-rated programming as L.A. Complex and Catalina, wants people who can tell the big hand from the small hand.  And, if they can do that, let's hope they can read the sweeper arm.

If you're interested, you better apply soon.  Time's a wastin'.

The Hollywood Assistant Olympic Games revisited

UPDATE: Much to my own surprise/disappointment, I've been writing this blog since the last Olympics.  And what's sadder, this is as true now as it was then (except for the Ben Silverman part.  NBC finally had the good sense to chuck him in the "Executive Throw" which also featured former Disney head Rich Ross.)


Starting on 8-8-08 (Ben Silverman can only remember one number at a time) NBC will broadcast the world's greatest collection of walking drug experiments amateur athletes as they invade China for the Olympics. But unlike Itoh Sukeyuki in the Sino-Japanese War, these invaders would rather be somewhere else. Of course all this Olympic spirit got me thinking -- perhaps Hollywood assistants need their own competition. So in a drunken haze, I came up with the following -- The Hollywood Assistant Olympic Games.

Here are some of the events.

Stapler Dodge -- It's like skeet shooting in reverse. The assistant (playing the role of the clay pigeon) must dodge Swinglines thrown by an agent who can't believe he couldn't get dinner ressies at Koi on five minutes notice. [Note: Team ICM was banned from this competition for failing to fail the drug test.]


Starbucks Relay -- When the office coffee isn't good enough for the staff meeting, teams of assistants compete to see who can deliver the most Grande Skim Lattes in ten minutes to a staff of power-mad agents. A three cup penalty is assessed for every steam burn. [Note: Team Paradigm has physical and emotional scars that prevent them from feeling pain. They are the odds-on favorite.]


Moshitta -- Named after legendary fast talker and FedEx pitchman John Moshitta, this competition puts the least intelligible and quickest gabbing Hollywood assistants up against each other to see who can roll the most calls in a minute. [Note: Legend has it CAA requires assistants be able to roll 25 calls in 60 seconds as a condition of employment.]


iPhone Purchase -- In a true survival of the fittest, 30 assistants are let loose in the Apple Store and must fight to secure the last iPhone 3G for their boss. Participants are allowed to use office supplies and a USB cable to defend themselves. [Note: CBS/Paramount has an assistant who tried out for UFC.]


And the grand finale...

Weekend Read Delivery -- Similar to Pheidippides announcing the defeat of the Persians, this race requires participants to hand-deliver a stack of scripts to an agent's house during Friday rush hour. [Note: In a bit of irony, the distance from the starting line at CAA to (agent's name redacted) home in Western Malibu is 26 miles 385 yards.]

Now get to stretching. The games start in 2 days.

Men are from Mars, ABC is from stupid

I'll admit I've never watched Bachelor Pad.  It looks dumb and I don't care what those idiots do.  But that won't stop me from making fun of it.

Now I haven't taken a science class since high school.  And even then, I went to a public school, so I didn't learn much.  But one thing I'm sure of is the symbols that represent each gender.  I don't know why, I just am.  Probably because they're pretty simple.  A male is a circle with an arrow pointing to up and to the right - representing Mars.  Female is a circle with a plus sign below it - representing Venus.  The only problem is ABC's graphics department doesn't see it this way.

Back and to the left

As you can see from the logo for Bachelor Pad (premiering July 23 at 8 p.m. ET), the arrow on the "O" in "Bachelor" points the wrong way.  So either the bachelors on this show are some sort of new, yet unidentified gender, or ABC's graphics department fucked up.  And furthermore, no one at that network is smart enough to catch such an obvious gaffe.

Of course when you consider that the network had a whopping total of ZERO SHOWS in the Top 20 for the 2011-12 season that didn't involve dancing with some sort of "stars," this error should come as no real surprise.

The question is whether or not they'll bother fixing it.

Ahh.  That's right.

Nikki Finke: Still crazy after all these years

Nikki Finke is at it again.  It's been a while since the dingbat did something incredibly stupid, but she's returned in full force.

Following the tragedy in Aurora, Darling Nikki opted to ask her ever-depleting fan base a couple of horribly insensitive questions regarding the box office success of The Dark Knight Rises.

She doubled down on her wacky by telling Fishbowl LA, "Of course it was important for Deadline to look at the box office ramifications of this tragedy. I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t."

But the truth is, we should have seen this coming.  Finke has a pretty good track record of writing wrong, and often downright creepy, questions for her site.  The folks at the Hollywood Temp Diaries tracked down some of them as a reminder of her questionable past. 

 

If there's one redeeming thing about Finke, she does have a pretty good theme song.