Sunday, January 13, 2013

The Golden Blogs

Sorry I'm late.  I couldn't find a parking spot.  Who knew that it would be tough to find a spot at Sunset and Crescent Heights on Sunday night.  I'm dumb.  But that's why I can't can't find a decent job in this town.  But let's go on to the award show.

Apparently I missed the opening monologue of the Golden Globes.  So let's just assume that Ricky Gervais said something that was slightly uncomfortable for the attendees.  Lucky for them, they'll be so sloshed by the end of the show, the only person who will remember will be the guy running the teleprompter.

Wait.  It appears that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are hosting.  Feh.  Who cares.  Women can't be funny, or at least that's what I learned from Jerry Lewis.

So Christoph (or is it Kristof, Qristopf?) Waltz won for something.  I'm told now it was Django Unchained.  I'd like to say one thing about that movie - the fact that they didn't play the Van Halen hit "Unchained"in it was a major oversight.

As for the next category (I'm slowly catching up, give me a moment), one of the women from Downton Abbey won. But the big news around the Golden Globe party was how orange Sofia Vergara looked.  This prompted one of the attendees to say that she looked like a tangerine.  I'm also not drunk yet.  This is starting to annoy me.

On to the next award.  Showing that "Development Hell" really does blow the timing of things in Hollywood, it only took four years for a movie about the 2008 election to win a 2012 Golden Globe.  And as I seem to recall, one of the winners blew smoke up the ass thanked the "bravery" of HBO for greenlighting the project.  Want to be really brave? Greenlight my blog to a TV show.  Until then, I'll just think of you as a bunch of pussies admirable executives who just need a little persuading.

Does anyone know who won the Pats/Houton came?  When I left New England was up by 14 or so.  I can't wait for the riveting post-game interview with Belichick.

I'm pretty sure I missed an award, but I was too busy gazing longingly at Gwegriu Iierughweiug von Ghaowrihgwr from the Hollywood Foreign Press.  "Baby, call me."

And proving that Hollywood actors are nothing more than empty vessels who can't think on their own, Paul Rudd and Mrs. François-Henri Pinault were unable to function without the Teleprompter running.  The echo in the room was audible.  That's two Teleprompter references already.  Maybe I am getting buzzed?

If Twitter is correct, producers of Homeland just spoiled their own series.  Even the smart people in Hollywood are stupid.

I really wish these commercial breaks were longer because I don't have nearly enough time to fix a drink, pee and get food.

For a CIA operative, this guy sure ain't smart enough to use a microphone.

Jason Statham is either really short or Jennifer Lopez, Statham is short.  And now I'm caught up.

Given the amount of time it took him to get to stage, I'm pretty certain that the guy who won for "Best Original Score" was seated in the Starbucks across the street from the Beverly Hilton.

And now for the fashion recap of the evening.  "I like Jennifer Lopez's dress," this according to a certain DGA nominee.

Oh, here's my prediction for the evening: Adele wins.

Fucking nailed it.  Now the DGA nominee asks whether Adele is pregnant.  This is met by a chorus of shrieks from everyone else who knows (I didn't) that she already had her child.  I'm convinced the baby is lodged in the bun on top of her head.

Oh pinch me.  A new season of Smash is just around the corner.  I can barely wait.  And by barely wait, I mean I forgot that it didn't get cancelled.

There's a lot of criticism of Jessica Alba's boobs.  Based on how many times he's looking at them, Kiefer Sutherland doesn't seem to mind.

Kevin Costner is as exciting as uzzzzzzzual.

The entire room just had an orgasm.  Clinton walked out.  Actually, one of the people at this party started crying.  But it wasn't me.  I'm just biting my lip.  What's Gennifer Flowers up to these days?

In the event you're wonder whether Amy Poehler is back on the market after breaking up with Will Arnett, the plunging neckline says "Yes.  And I'm ready for some lovin'."

Patriots won 41-28.  Gary Kubiak is gonna get fired.

I kinda zoned out during the Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig routine.  Honestly I was looking up the score of the Northwestern/Iowa game.  NU lost 70-50.  We suck.

"You get out."  If only I knew what that meant.

"I beat Meryl!" Well, guess what Jen?  Madam Streep is gonna beat your ass like a rented mule after the show is over.  Better hope that bow and arrow still works.

Magic City got nominated?  What a terrible idea.  The only thing about that show that's worth anything is the nudity.  There, I said it.

Jonah Hill realized that people people liked him fat better.  He's rounding his way back into shape.  In unrelated news, it turns out that Megan Fox can read.  I guess I owe someone $20.

Anne Hathaway: Boxers, briefs or commando?  Just wondering.

How much Sofia Vegara is too much Sofia Vergara?  I'm pretty sure I've reached the point of saturation.

Tarantino just won.  Suck on that Spike Lee.  Or whatever.  I don't really care one way or the other.  The prevailing theory in the room is that Q is just slightly drunk.  Matt LeBlanc has no idea what's happening.  That's nothing new.

Terrance Howard just won for House of Lies.  I'm not sure why.  The show stinks.  And yes.  I watched the entire first season..sober.  It didn't help.

Happy Toyotathon everyone.  I'm sorry if I forgot to wish you that earlier.

The Expendibles just announced something.  As neither of them have a command of the English language, I'll just wait for someone to take the stage and explain what happened...Oh fuck. He has an accent too.  Time for a cocktail.

Lea Michele wins the award for "Orangest Person of the Evening."

Quote of the evening, "Yeah Target!"  I have no idea why.  Athough that reminds me that I'm running out of Q-Tips.   I guess advertising does work. 
The entire room is reading their phones right now.  Technology makes us so anti-social.  Luckily, I had a head start on that.  I hated everyone long before the iPhone came out.

It would have been a lot more entertaining if the guy from Disney/Pixar who accept for Brave said "Holy Shit!" instead of "Holy cow!"  I'm just saying.

Justine Bateman has really let herself go.  On the plus side, she's strong enough to carry one of the waitstaff from the Beverly Hilton.  I wonder what Tina Yothers is up to these days.

I can walk in high heels better than Lena Dunham.

Maybe I'm drunk, or maybe Robert Downey Jr. is on coke, but I have no idea what's happening.  On the plus side, the routine was more entertaining The Beaver.

"She's fucked up," says a DGA nominee of Jodie Foster.  I can't say I disagree.

If I wasn't drunk, I'd swear that Jodie Foster was finally coming out.  But NBC bleeped out the entire fucking thing.  So let's just assume she said she's actually Dustin Hoffman from Tootsie.  In related news, Mel Gibson seemed terribly confused.  But that's not a huge surprise.

Ben Affleck and his variable hairline won.  So that's something.  Note he didn't thank Matt Damon.  The bromance is over.

It would have been funnier if they'd cut to Josh Brolin if he'd been drunk and passed out on the floor.  Who produced this thing?

Jay Leno is still a dick.  A big-chinned, no-talent dick.  Ok, maybe I'm getting drunk now.  Only 37 minutes to go.  And then...the post-award wrap up.  Just kidding.  I'm going to pass out.

For some reason, these Sofia Vergara ads have me craving milk instead of Diet Pepsi (thanks Gary).

Can anyone explain to me, and I'm serious about this, why Comedy and Musical are in the same category?  I think the Hollywood Foreign Press doesn't quite understand the difference between the two.  Fuzzy foreigners.

I wonder how much Tina Fey and Amy Poehler got for "hosting" the Golden Globes?

Chris Tucker is still in the entertainment industry?

For starrring in a movie about miserable people, Anne Hathaway and Hugh Jackman are awfully happy.  In unrelated news, only 17 minutes to go.  Will I be able to suck down two more beers before the evening ends?  Don't bet against me.

We get it Amy Poehler.  You have new boobs and like to show Will Arnett what he can't have any more.

Daniel Day Lewis is boring.  And nothing could be a more appropriate conclusion to the Golden Globes.  In related news, he looks like Morissey.

Oh crap.  One more award.  The remake of Fargo won.

I'm done.  Slightly drunk.  Also I gotta pee.  Hope you enjoyed reading this more than I enjoyed writing it.  See you in a month for the Academy Awards when I will rip everyone a new asshole I will heap insincere praise on Hollywood royalty.

And don't forget to tune in this weekend for my frequent updates from the useless exercise that is Sundance.


MR. PRINCE said...

I can't tell if you were drunk or if you called Don Cheadle Terrence Howard on purpose...

Anonymous said...

Everyone should get their news from you- you are hilarious. I hope they do pick up your blog into a TV show!! Carmen

Anonymous said...

love it. i could not bear to watch it. good looking out

Post a Comment