Starting on 8-8-08 (Ben Silverman can only remember one number at a time) NBC will broadcast the world's greatest collection of
Here are some of the events.
Stapler Dodge -- It's like skeet shooting in reverse. The assistant (playing the role of the clay pigeon) must dodge Swinglines thrown by an agent who can't believe he couldn't get dinner ressies at Koi on five minutes notice. [Note: Team ICM was banned from this competition for failing to fail the drug test.]
Starbucks Relay -- When the office coffee isn't good enough for the staff meeting, teams of assistants compete to see who can deliver the most Grande Skim Lattes in ten minutes to a staff of power-mad agents. A three cup penalty is assessed for every steam burn. [Note: Team Paradigm has physical and emotional scars that prevent them from feeling pain. They are the odds-on favorite.]
Moshitta -- Named after legendary fast talker and FedEx pitchman John Moshitta, this competition puts the least intelligible and quickest gabbing Hollywood assistants up against each other to see who can roll the most calls in a minute. [Note: Legend has it CAA requires assistants be able to roll 25 calls in 60 seconds as a condition of employment.]
iPhone Purchase -- In a true survival of the fittest, 30 assistants are let loose in the Apple Store and must fight to secure the last iPhone 3G for their boss. Participants are allowed to use office supplies and a USB cable to defend themselves. [Note: CBS/Paramount has an assistant who tried out for UFC.]
And the grand finale...
Weekend Read Delivery -- Similar to Pheidippides announcing the defeat of the Persians, this race requires participants to hand-deliver a stack of scripts to an agent's house during Friday rush hour. [Note: In a bit of irony, the distance from the starting line at CAA to (agent's name redacted) home in Western Malibu is 26 miles 385 yards.]
Now get to stretching. The games start in 2 days.