Friday, July 27, 2012

The Hollywood Assistant Olympic Games revisited

UPDATE: Much to my own surprise/disappointment, I've been writing this blog since the last Olympics.  And what's sadder, this is as true now as it was then (except for the Ben Silverman part.  NBC finally had the good sense to chuck him in the "Executive Throw" which also featured former Disney head Rich Ross.)

Starting on 8-8-08 (Ben Silverman can only remember one number at a time) NBC will broadcast the world's greatest collection of walking drug experiments amateur athletes as they invade China for the Olympics. But unlike Itoh Sukeyuki in the Sino-Japanese War, these invaders would rather be somewhere else. Of course all this Olympic spirit got me thinking -- perhaps Hollywood assistants need their own competition. So in a drunken haze, I came up with the following -- The Hollywood Assistant Olympic Games.

Here are some of the events.

Stapler Dodge -- It's like skeet shooting in reverse. The assistant (playing the role of the clay pigeon) must dodge Swinglines thrown by an agent who can't believe he couldn't get dinner ressies at Koi on five minutes notice. [Note: Team ICM was banned from this competition for failing to fail the drug test.]

Starbucks Relay -- When the office coffee isn't good enough for the staff meeting, teams of assistants compete to see who can deliver the most Grande Skim Lattes in ten minutes to a staff of power-mad agents. A three cup penalty is assessed for every steam burn. [Note: Team Paradigm has physical and emotional scars that prevent them from feeling pain. They are the odds-on favorite.]

Moshitta -- Named after legendary fast talker and FedEx pitchman John Moshitta, this competition puts the least intelligible and quickest gabbing Hollywood assistants up against each other to see who can roll the most calls in a minute. [Note: Legend has it CAA requires assistants be able to roll 25 calls in 60 seconds as a condition of employment.]

iPhone Purchase -- In a true survival of the fittest, 30 assistants are let loose in the Apple Store and must fight to secure the last iPhone 3G for their boss. Participants are allowed to use office supplies and a USB cable to defend themselves. [Note: CBS/Paramount has an assistant who tried out for UFC.]

And the grand finale...

Weekend Read Delivery -- Similar to Pheidippides announcing the defeat of the Persians, this race requires participants to hand-deliver a stack of scripts to an agent's house during Friday rush hour. [Note: In a bit of irony, the distance from the starting line at CAA to (agent's name redacted) home in Western Malibu is 26 miles 385 yards.]

Now get to stretching. The games start in 2 days.


Anonymous said...

You forgot "Moving Militia"

In this event Temps will be forced to become a team of "movers" and relocate their current headquarters over the hill into the more affordable Valley.

(Recently Bastardized Entertainment Tonight is rumored the favorite as they prep for their move off the Paramount Lot and on to the "State of the Art" CBS Radford Lot)

Anonymous said...

I really enjoy reading your blog. It seems you're in a tough situation, but manage to get through it with good humor. You are very witty, and reading your work is a delight. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Being the sporting guy that u r I was expecting some musing over the games. Instea d of complainig about silverman u should have bs your way in. coukd have been done.

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