Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Still not real Ari
Welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to TempX@tempdiaries.com.

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: After graduating from college I landed a PA position on a reality show.  Like thousands of other people, I want to develop and produce television shows.  However, I've found that many people working above me don't even have college backgrounds. Is this common? And if not, am I doing something wrong by PAing on a show?

Like totally
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Why do I always get stuck with questions from the newly graduated imbeciles?  Shouldn't you be Tweeting or Tweaking or Twating or whatever it is you people do?  You spent the last 16 years of your life fucking around and call it learning.  Now, after getting your diploma from some second-tier state school by the skin of your balls, you think you're worthy?  Piss off.

Oh don't look at me with those puppy dog eyes.  You know I'm a sucker for the pitiable.  Ok, just one time.  Here's the deal.  Television is like wine.  There's good wine, like the kind I drink -- Chateau Latour Pauillac 1978 ($450/bottle).  And there's shit wine, like the kind you drink -- Night Train ($3.69/bottle).  The skilled people make Latour.  The daft make Night Train.  The same goes for TV.  Only those with the capacity to understand the depth and texture The Sopranos or Mad Men work on those kind of programs.  The riffraff work on Cupcake Wars.

Make sense?  If you're good enough to work on a real show, you'll get a job on a real show.

One last tip.  You're a nobody.  Don't forget that.

Finding Nemo?
How about Finding Work?
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: First of all, you should know how amazing your blog is. Completely kick ass. Your website has helped pave my way in Hollywood, and I am forever grateful for that.  I'm reaching out to you to inquire about work in San Francisco. I'm making my move to live out there this summer, and I'm really nervous about finding work in entertainment. Do you have any connections out there? 

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: First of all, I know this site is amazing.  And yes.  I know George (that's George Lucas).  And I know Steve (as in Steve Jobs).  But if you don't know them like I do, you're in trouble.  The Bay Area entertainment industry is basically George, Steve, John Lasseter and about 4,000 CGI programmers.  So unless you can code, you're fucked.  Or you could always work for...excuse me while I throw up in my mouth...Netflix.


Anonymous said...

f yall i love fake ari. see fake ari is a dick but he is actually giving good advice. with fake ari you have to read between the lines.
first answer was harsh but i take it to mean that fa is saying "be grateful you have a job and you need to pay your dues to get up".

Anonymous said...

"keep your job and pay your dues" is pedestrian advice that my grandfather, who owns a farm in Iowa has never left the state, could give. FA has deteriorated into "insult, insult, insult...I'm so much better than you...generic advice." Cleverness would come from weaving good advice and inside knowledge amidst the insults.

Anonymous said...

To above poster he is doing just that. Are we reading the same words

Anonymous said...

To the above poster. Re-read the first response. First paragraph, four sentences and one incomplete sentence. All insults. Second paragraph, an analogy about how TV works to show how clever he is. Third paragraph, finally the advice. Exactly as I outlined.

Anonymous said...

Don't you all have some filing to do?

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