Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Administrative Professionals Week: Day 2

There's one truism in being a Hollywood assistant -- the pay sucks.  And with bad pay comes limited finances for items of sustenance like rent, gas, beer and food.  While I can't help you on the first three, I'm gonna do my darnedest to help you save a few dollars on food at the expense of your employer.

Here's how it works.

Do you like my flair?
Step 1: The Suggestive Sell -- Anyone who has ever worked at a restaurant knows the Suggestive Sell technique.  An overeager waiter comes to your table and says, "So can I get you gentlemen something more to drink?  Or maybe something to nibble on?  Some Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers or Extreme Fajitas?"  The objective is to get someone to order food they didn't want or need.  The same thing applies at work.

When your boss schedules a meeting, the first thing you should say is, "Do you want me to get something to drink for the meeting?  Or maybe something to nibble on?  Some cookies, sandwiches or bagels?"  Once you've convinced your boss to order food, then you're on to Step 2...

Don't blame me. I voted for Bill & Opus
Step 2: The Over Order -- With the Suggestive Sell mission accomplished, you get to design the menu.  Depending on your organization, this may entail ordering from the studio commissary or simply sending an intern to Costco.  Either way, you get to figure out what you want and, more importantly, how much.

Let's say your boss invites five people to a meeting on how to hide the $130 million lost on Mars Needs Moms.  Do you order food for six?  No.  You order food for 10.  This guarantees leftovers, but not too many leftovers that it seems like you screwed up.  This takes us to Step 3...

Step 3: The Doggie Bag -- The meeting is now over.  The only thing left are the tears of a black listed producer and some left over sandwiches.  As your boss was responsible for the meeting, you are responsible for the clean up.  Now you will immediately enter the room and grab as many comestibles as possible. (Tip: Hide them between two plates so no one knows how much you've taken).  After you've safely stored tonight's dinner, you can return to cleaning the room for the next meeting.

Elegant in its simplicity.  Painful when you think about it.  It gives new meaning to "Will work for food."

Tomorrow's tip -- Bullshitting


Anonymous said...

Are any places known for large platters; they say it serves 5-7, but actually it serves 10? Also, please remember the interns. During college, I lived in a dorm with a bunch of good friends. One night, there was something on television a bunch of us liked to watched. I bought chips, salsa, and Oreos for a little viewing party. A number of people in this group had internships, and apparently it was event day. Everyone coming from an internship brought food, so we had quite an impressive spread.

Anonymous said...

I like this feature. Are you going to do it again next year? I hope you do, unless of course you have a real job.

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