Thursday, April 28, 2011

Administrative Professionals Week: Day 4 -- With Guest Columnist Fake Ari

Still not real Ari

Today's posting is in lieu of the previously announced "Bullshitting" column.

Welcome to a special Administrative Professionals Week edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to

I lie!
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: What's the likelihood that agencies or production companies catch lies one may have put on their resume? Are background checks very comprehensive?  And if by chance one is caught, are dreams of Hollywood gone forever for said individual?  I've never lied on my resume, but with responses to applications dwindling, my pants may need some lighting.

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: First of all, Happy Administrative Professionals Week.  Wait.  You actually believed I meant that?  Now that's how you lie.  With out any hesitation.  Honestly, I can't believe I even have to acknowledge you or your ilk for one fucking moment, much less a whole goddamn week.  This "celebration" holds about as much importance as World Turtle Day.  But if it gives those asshats in HR something to do, I guess I'll play along.

Now on to your question.  I have two fucking words for you -- Riley Weston.  But because you're too young and not smart enough to know who that is, I'll explain.  Actually I only have 10 minutes until my Hyperbaric Oxygen Chamber Therapy and Infrared Body Wrap appointment, so I'll let Entertainment Weekly do it for me:
For 14 years, 32-year-old Riley Weston was just another struggling actress in Hollywood, going nowhere fast. Tired of waiting for the perfect part, she created it instead: teen writing prodigy on Felicity, The WB's hit about an 18-year-old college freshman. She aced the part, too, delivering an Oscar-worthy performance capable of fooling a powerful studio (Disney), a network, a talent agency (United Talent Agency), and numerous publications, including this one (she appeared on our It List last June).
But reality and fantasy collided on Oct. 15: A former friend snitched, apparently angered at all the attention Weston was getting — not to mention her two-year, $300,000 development deal from Disney Touchstone TV. Faster than you can say Milli Vanilli, the phenom was unmasked as a fake.
Never rat on your
friends and always
keep your mouth shut
The Riley Weston episode revealed two things about this town: 1) your Hollywood age is half your real age plus 2, and 2) no one does a background check.  Ms. Weston's problems occurred when she made it too big.  That's when that jealous prick ratted her out.  (Have they not heard of extortion?  It's more lucrative.)  Of course I have no concern that you'll make it too big so a tattler shouldn't be a concern.

I'll say this, if you're going to lie, either use a series of small, imperceptible lies or go all in.  That is if you go small, just add a few months to your past job.  Or add responsibilities your supervisor had.  Something within the realm of possibility.  Or, go balls out and tell people you were Sidney Lumet's personal assistant for the last six years.  Since he's dead, who could they possibly call for a reference?  And for fuck's sake, don't have a LinkedIn account with your real info.

And now my little numbnut, I have one last tidbit of advice...

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