If you still have a job, chances are your company Christmas party has been canceled. Or if you're lucky enough to corporately celebrate this season of giving, the festivities probably consist of two slices of Papa John's pizza and an Emmy screener in the conference room.
We all long for the days when companies spent money frivolously on holiday parties rather than on their administrative assistants' salaries. But renting out Beverly Wilshire Hotel, serving free liquor and gorging on gourmet food -- those days are gone.
But let's imagine the economy isn't in the toilet. Let's imagine that you got a Christmas "bonus," and your employer had a Christmas party. Here's what the Christmas party would have been like for you -- the lowly assistant. So sit back, crack open the emergency bottle of Jack Daniel's you have stored at your desk and imagine...
"Well hello!! You look nice this evening. I'm [insert name of perky HR staffer]. I know this is your first Christmas...I mean Holiday...party with us. You'll have a great time. Last year's party was legendary. The highlight was when [A-list client] showed up and did Jimmy Stewart's monologue from It's a Wonderful Life. Sigh. But he's not a client any more after that unfortunate run-in with the Malibu police and an inflatable sheep.
Anyhoo. I'll take you on a little tour and after that you can be on you merry way. Oooh. That was punny. Huh?!
Ok, so here we have the appetizer table. You'll see that everything is vegan because the Big Guy's new girlfriend Krissie is vegan. So you can have soy cheese and crackers, carrots, No-Meat Balls or Tempeh.
We have an open bar. Executives, professional staff and their dates get top shelf liquor. But you support staff, you get a real treat. It's a new brand I just heard about from my housekeeper. It's called Popov Vodka. And it comes smartly packaged in a plastic bottle. The bartender will make one of those vodka and Energy Drink cocktails that are so popular with you kids. Or, if you like wine, we have a very special selection from Boone's Farm, which I believe is from the same valley in Australia as the Penfolds Grange Hermitage.
Since a group of your co-workers are in the throes of the Master Cleanser diet, we even have a have a pitcher of that water, lemon juice, syrup and cayenne pepper concoction.
For dinner you have a choice of chicken-flavored tofu, beef-flavored tofu or sushi-flavored tofu. I'm telling you, if I didn't tell you it was bean curd, you'd never know.
Of course the assistants have their own dining area. We know you guys will want to get together and talk about the latest Heidi and Spencer news. Let me show you...it's right through this door. That's correct. Through the kitchen. Turn left at the Filet Mignon (ok, a few people are going to have meat. We snuck it in. Shhh). No, keep going past the sous chefs who are preparing the White Truffle. Yep. It's behind that door. The one that says EXIT on it. Your table is right next to the valet parking stand. Yeah. Next to the speed bump.
Have a great time!! And Happy Holidays."