Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Still not real Ari
Welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari (not to be confused with the real Ari Emanuel) will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to me at

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I moved to LA about a month ago and I am seeking an assistant position.  I really want to be an agent or work in representation.  I just got hired as an intern to a top management firm, but it's only one day a week.  So I know that it is probably best for me to bite the bullet, do this internship and work as a PA when someone is dumb enough to pay me for it.  But it isn't consistent.  What can I do to start making consistent money?  Should I go to a temp agency?  Where is the best place to busboy where I can meet industry peeps?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: First of all, you'll never be an agent.  I AM AN AGENT.  Everyone else is some sort of cheap substitute.  Sure they may have the title of agent.  They may also have nice suits, fancy cars and a roster of clients.  But they, like you, will never be an agent.  You are all what I call an "Ari-in-Training"...hang on one second.  I want to finish yelling at you, but I have to take this call.

Conan!  My favorite client!  Love the new show!...Yeah, sure I watched it.  Me and the missus wouldn't miss it for anything...My favorite part?  Loved your interview with the Governator.  You really knocked it out of the park...Oh, did I say Governator?....No.  Right. I know he was on Leno.  I meant to say Seth Rogen.  I get them confused.  Like when you say you look like the president of Sweden...Finland.  Right...Just trying to make a joke, but I'll leave that to the pros.  Well, gotta run.  I have a call with Spielberg in five but I need to make some stink babies first.  Bran muffins and Starbucks shoot right through me.  Tell Andy and Max I said hi...Right. Jimmy.  Of course Max quit.  I was just testing you.  Love you.

As I was saying, for future failures like yourself who need consistent money, there are a few options:
  • Yeah, duh.  Register with the f-ing temp agencies.  Register with all of them.  They're all listed on the right side of this stupid blog.  If you're lucky you'll get a multi-week assignment making $12/hour to replace an assistant who suffered a panic attack.
  • Suck up to your new internship.  Tell them how pretty/handsome they look.  People love that shit.  And if you do that while busting your ass, maybe they'll hire you.
  • Double Drop.  Since you apparently are a restaurant service jockey, take a tip from Dee from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Season 3, Ep. 7.  In the double drop scam, a waiter (YOU) uses the same check for two tables, one which was never entered into the system. Then the waiter (STILL YOU) pockets the cash from the table never really billed.  As for the best places to do so, Barney Greengrass on Wilshire.  There's always some Ari-in-Training having lunch there.
And finally, if you ever use the word "peeps" again, I'll have you and the peep killed.

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