Good Evening and welcome to the First Annual "Hollywood Organization but not Union of Really Low-paid Yutzes" (HOURLY) Awards. Better known as "The Tempies." That's right. Every corner of the Entertainment industry gets a moment to stroke its own ego. Some groups get 3 hours of prime time. Others are relegated to basic cable. And still others get convention chicken and a 10 minute of stand-up from someone doing bad Jack Nicholson impersonations. And then there's us. "The Tempies." We get...well...a blog.
Temps have a long and storied history in Hollywood. You've seen us in classic films like...errr...uhhh.....does "The Secret of My Success" count? Anyway. The Tempies celebrate not only the great work of the Hollywood temp, but also (and more importantly) the greatest stories we've been witness to over the past year. Without any further adieu, let's name some winners of the highly coveted "Golden Timesheet."
Best Example of Cost Consciousness -- And the winner is [Name Withheld]. In an example of frugality that would make Andrew Carnegie blush, this person had his assistants drive him to the airport (in lieu of paying cab fare), recycled stamps from script submissions (which this person wouldn't review) and, best of all, foregoing the use of a vacuum cleaner and instead having assistants pick paper shreds off the carpet by hand.
Best way to look like you have more business contacts than you really do -- And the winner is [Name withheld]. This Hollywood executive had a major Blackberry meltdown, which erased all their contacts. Lucky for this person, Temp X was called in to re-create the database from an old file. Among the 4000 names, Temp X came across the contact info for a celebrity who had recently died. In a joking manner, Temp X asked whether to include this information too, as it had limited relevance. "Include everything," he was told. And so he did.
Best place to kill time -- And the winner is UNIVERSAL STUDIOS. Temps here can take their lunch hour and wander around the most elaborate back lot in town. Temps can do a self-guided walking tour and see Jaws, the town square from "Back to the Future" and the parting of the Red Sea without anyone saying "Where are you from?" or "Mommy, I gotta go potty!" But don't have too much fun, you have to go back to work. [Honorable Mention: CAA's online video library].
Best Place to get a ticket for Jaywalking -- Burbank (the corner of Olive & Maple). Be careful Warner Bros temps, or a $132 ticket awaits.
Best Free Food -- Envelope please...And the winner is CAA. Yes, it's ironic that in a building that has all the charm of a mausoleum that CAA routinely offers an excellent selection of meeting leftovers for breakfast (bagels & cream cheese, muffins), a variety of juices, fresh fruit and a bottomless cup of coffee (it's some serious gourmet shit!). Lunch leftovers are few and far between, but considering breakfast remnants don't make their way into the kitchen until 11ish, you're probably not that hungry. Plus they sometimes have cereal. [Honorable mention: Cartoon Network for "Donut Friday"]
Best parking garage for a lunchtime nap in the car -- Cartoon Network garage, second level. Find a nice spot in the corner and let the carbon monoxide take you to dream land.
Well, it's time for the intermission. Go get yourself a drink, and in just a few days I'll come up with more categories including the winner of the prestigious "Temp of the Year."