Monday, April 23, 2012

The most wonderful time of the year

Not Dog X.
Happy Administrative Professionals Week.  If you're reading this right now, you're probably thinking, "I pray to any holy deity (or Eric Clapton) that this is the last time this statement applies to me."  Aren't we all?

Some employers like to use this celebration of administrative types as chance to do some role playing (not the kinky sex kind, unless you're in to that).  So you might get a chance to swap out positions with your boss for a just a few minutes.  This way you get to see a future you'll never have while your boss quietly wonders why he agreed to this ridiculous activity.  The folks at the Hollywood Temp Diaries suggest you take full advantage of this opportunity in the following ways: 

Have your boss get you coffee: As you're now the boss, tell your "assistant" to make a Starbucks run for you.  When he comes back with the venti, sugar free, non-fat, no-foam, extra caramel macchiato you ordered, tell him to take it back because it's cold.  If the coffee is still scalding hot, just throw it at your "assistant" and say, "Iced coffee!  Between April 1 and September 30, it's always iced coffee!!"  Watch and chuckle as he endures second-degree burns.

Call me Maggie Gyllenhaal.
Roll calls to your friends and other people not related to work:  This accomplishes two separate and distinct purposes: 1) it shows your boss that dialing the phone is so easy, even she can do it, and 2) it shows your boss that she wastes a shitload of time on personal stuff and every time she does, it keeps you from doing your actual job.

Introduce them to the multi-function photocopier: The bane of your existence will now be the bane of your "assistant's."  Give her a stack of scripts, receipts and invoices that are bradded, paperclipped and stapled (respectively) and say you need three copies of each.  If the undoing and re-doing of the binding doesn't get to her, then the inevitable paper jam will.  And if that doesn't drive her bat shit crazy, throw everything out and tell her to do it again...double sided.  Remember, we're running a "green" company here.

L'art poor art.
A closed-office meeting:  Express your disappointment because your "assistant" isn't as chipper as you want him to be.  Heck, you could have a new person in here starting in 10 minutes who would be grateful for the opportunity to perform the preceding tasks while making $10.50/hr.  And that person would do it with a smile, Goddammit!  When your "assistant" inevitably explains (quite unconvincingly) how much he loves his job, tell him it's too late.  You've already found a replacement who is better looking and has a cuter butt.  That's right, fire 'em.

And that's how you celebrate Administrative Professionals Week.

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