Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The 2012 Bennies

Live from a crappy apartment near the Kodak Theater in Hollywood, it's the third annual Bennie Awards.  Tonight's the night we honor television's worst from 2011 by bestowing the famed Golden Trashcan.  So sit back, relax, throw down a sizable cocktail and enjoy this star-studded affair.  And now, because Brett Ratner's an idiot, your host Eddie Murphy.

Thank you.  It's great to be here at the...wait...where the fuck am I?  What's a Bennie?  You mean there's a TV version of the Razzies I won for Pluto Nash, I Spy, Imagine That, Meet Dave, Showtime, Norbit and Harlem Nights?  Who knew?

Well, I should probably do some jokes and earn my pay for MCing this thing.  So let's start with a classic.  A family goes into a see a talent agent.  They do a bunch of crazy shit and then say "The Aristocrats."  See, I've still got it.  Let's jump right in and introduce our first presenter.  He's best known for jumping right into a marriage everyone knew would fail...Kris Humphries.

Grunt grunt grunt me no dumb like people talk.  Grunt grunt grunt bad TV acting she person.  Grunt grunt grunt list: Beth Behrs (2 Broke Girls), Blake Lively (Gossip Girl), Madeleine Stowe (Revenge), Rachel Bilson (Hart of Dixie) and grunt Whitney Cummings (Whitney).  Grunt grunt baddest bad TV acting she person...Kris no understand envelope, use teeth to open...grunt Whitney Cummings.  Me like porn.

Wow.  I haven't seen such an impressive delivery of pre-scripted material since The Situation bombed at the Donald Trump roast.  I'd like to thank everyone who taught me how to act.  I will now name them all...awkward pause and continue...Thank you and good night.  Hey, can we get maintenance out here?  Captain Caveman left a puddle of drool on the floor.

What a way to start the night - two people I've never heard of sharing a moment I completely ignored!  It was as much fun as The Haunted Mansion.  Because I'm not really getting paid enough to write a decent segue, you may know our next presenter from flipping you the bird at the Super Bowl halftime show, M.I.A.

I just wanted to extend my deepest apologies to anyone who might have been offended by me giving them the finger.  As one of TIME magazine's 100 Most Influential People of 2009, I should probably set a better example for all the children out there.  So kids, next time you want to make a statement in front of 100 million TV viewers, don't shoot the bird.  Instead you should just tell them to suck your [CENSORED] and then [CENSORED] your [CENSORED].  And if you're really feeling randy, perform [SEXUAL ACT THAT IS CONSIDERED ILLEGAL IN EVERY STATE EXCEPT ARKANSAS AND KENTUCKY].  I'm guessing the NBC censors caught most of this, eh?

And the nominees for Worst Male Actor are: Ashton Kutcher (Two and a Half Men), David Caruso (CSI: Miami), David Spade (Rules of Engagement), Jonah Hill (Allen Gregory) and Kevin Dillon (How to be a Gentleman). And the winner is...Ashton Kutcher.

Because I only know Twitterspeak, here's my acceptance speech in exactly 140 characters: "Thx 2 C. Sheen b/c w/o U, I'd nvr work on 2AAHM. & thx to C. Lorre 4 cr8ing da sho. U & CBS rock! <3 to S. Leal. xoxo. ttfn. aplusk. RT plz."

WTF?!  Our next presenter is less than two months old, but she's already worth more than you can ever hope to be.  Put your hands together for the spawn of Jay-Z and Beyonce, Blue Ivy™.

To be honest, this award show really makes me want to spit up.  I feel like I deserve to be presenting at something way more important than The Bennies.  But child labor laws have a strict policy against 45-day old kids staying up past nap time.  Time to talk to daddy about getting a better agent.

Anyway, the nominees for Worst Female Reality Personality are: Audrina Patridge (Audrina), Brooke Burke (Dancing with the Stars), Kim Kardashian (Keeping up with the Kardashians), Nicole Scherzinger (The X Factor) and Snooki (Jersey Shore).  And The Bennie goes to...wait, I just made choo-choos in my diaper...Kim Kardashian!

What an honor!  This award means the world to me.  I've worked so hard on my career, from the moment Ray J peed on me, to my ill-fated musical endeavors and on through my 72-day sham of a marriage, I've never stopped trying to do my best.  And The Bennie is the recognition I so richly deserve.  Thank you.  Oh, and Paris Hilton, you can kiss my over-sized Armenian ass.

Hey Kimmie baby.  Don't go away so fast. Sure, you ain't my favorite tranny prostitute Shalomar, but I'll still give you a lift home.  You won't be the first hooker I've helped out.  Kimmie...?

Well shit. You know what will really get this party started, a musical number.  And if there's anyone who knows how to carry a tune, it's me - Eddie Murphy.  So let's get this joint jumpin' with my song that, shockingly enough, hit #2 on the Billboard 100 in 1985.  Let's party all the time!!!

Goddamn!  I sounded good.  Let's get to our next presenter.  You know him as the only guy from the New York Knicks who's had an assist all season, Jeremy Lin!

To think, less than a month ago I was riding the bench and getting ignored by Carmelo Anthony.  And now, here I am, on the cover of Time magazine and Sports Illustrated, presenting at an award show and still being ignored by Carmelo Anthony.  It's a dream come true.  On the subject of things we should all ignore, it's the nominees for Worst Male Reality Personality.

The nominees are: Donald Trump (Celebrity Apprentice), Kris Humphries (Keeping up with the Kardashians), Randy Jackson (American Idol), Steve Jones (The X Factor) and The Situation (Jersey Shore).  And the winner is...Donald Trump!

Donald Trump couldn't be here tonight, but accepting on his behalf, is one of his many hairpieces.

If The Donald were here, he'd just want you to know that you should ignore the time he told CNN that Mitt Romney was a "small-business guy" and “he’d buy companies, he’d close companies, he’d get rid of jobs.”  Instead Mr. Trump would rather you focus on his endorsement on Romney for President when he said, "He’s not going to allow bad things to continue to happen to this country that we all love.”

I have no idea what just happened.  So let's just dive in to our next presenter.  You know her as Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge.  Ladies and gentleman, Princess Kate.

It's great to be here at the AVN awards. It's on honor to be among the great adult films stars of today including Jesse Jane and Lexington Steele.  I mean who isn't excited to know who will win Best Group Sex Scene of...wait...I'm being told this isn't the AVNs?  Well these programs feature at least one porn star - Worst Show Featuring a Kardashian.

And the nominees are: Dancing with the Stars, Keeping up with the Kardashians, Khloe & Lamar and Kourtney & Kim Take New York.  And the winner is...Keeping up with the Kardashians.

How totally awesome!  And to think we only had to create a complete farce of the institution of marriage to earn this award.  If only whatshisname could be here could be here too.  What was that guy who Kimmie was married to anyway?

Now it's time we recognize the show that was cancelled much too soon.  It's called the Pushing Daisies Award and it's named in honor the much-liked but quickly-sacked ABC show Pushing Daisies.  Here to present the award is the man for whom the Bennies is named, former NBC head Ben Silverman.

I'd say it's an honor to be here, but really it's the other way around.  You should be honored to be in the presence of me, someone who still writes in his bio, "People magazine selected him in its sexiest entertainment executive issue."  If you don't believe me, here's the link to the proof.

Anyway, I'm not sure why any of these shows deserved to stay on the air.  Americans don't want stuff with quality acting, compelling story lines or exceptional production quality.  They want my programs like Mob Wives and Biggest Loser.  You know, shows where idiots beat up each other or lose weight at an unhealthy clip.  And if there isn't an impossible amount of product placement, well, what's the point?  But here are the nominees: Bored to Death, Detroit 1-8-7, Hung, Lights Out, The Chicago Code and United States of Tara.

And the winner is...Bored to Death.  The producers of Bored to Death couldn't be here tonight because they're...oh, don't pretend you care.

The phrase "bored to death" has never been more appropriate than this exact moment.  Well, here's our next presenter of the evening.  How about a nice welcome to the woman who talks out of both sides of her face while she's stuffing it with everything cooked in lard, Paula Deen.

Well call me deep fried Lipitor and slather me in giblets, isn't this the darn tootenest thang you've ever done seen.  The Worst Reality Show honor.  I haven't heard of somethin' so smart since I invented Paula Deen's Butter Flavored Lip Balm.  Because you gotta "Put some South in your Mouth."

And the nominees are: Audrina, H8R, Jersey Shore, Mob Wives, Saddle Ranch and Teen Mom 2. And the Winner is...well golly gee willikers on a Christmas Tree...it's Teen Mom 2.  

Jenelle Evans, that funny little number from Teen Mom 2, couldn't be here tonight because her probation officer wouldn't let her leave the state.  So instead we have Viacom head Sumner Redstone to explain why MTV airs these kind of shows.

So let me get this straight.  We have a program starring a girl who has a baby in high school.  After that, she's arrested for breaking and entering as well as drug possession.  She's then busted for assault.  And if that wasn't enough, she's hauled in twice in the same week for making harassing phone calls and violating a domestic violence protective order.  What the hell is going on with our network?  Well, at least I'm not hacking phones.  Suck on that Rupe!

We've done it.  We've made it to the last award of the evening - the Worst Scripted Program of the Year.  I just want to thank all of you for staying awake this long.  I know it was a challenge, but it still wasn't as bad as the Grammys.  So congrats to all of you.  And now our last presenter of the evening.  You know him as that new leader of North Korea.  Ladies and Gentleman, Kim Jong-un.

All hail Democratic People's Republic of Korea. The glory of a wise people.  Devoting our bodies and minds to this Korea.  Let us support forever...oh, I'm just fuckin' with y'all.  Now that the old man is dead, I've turned the presidential palace into an East Asian den of debauchery.  There's hot and cold running bitches, Cristal on tap and all the herb you can smog.  And don't you be forgettin' about the grotto.  Shit, this place is trippin'.  Makin it rain in the DPRK.  Peace.

The nominees for Worst Scripted Program are: Allen Gregory, Charlie's Angels, How to be a Gentleman, I Hate My Teenage Daughter, The Cape and The Playboy Club.  And the winner is...The Playboy Club.  I don't know why.  Those sistas be hot and shit.  Accepting is the oh so tasty Amber Heard.  Mmm.  I love me some Amber.  Hey baby, how'd you like to be my First Lady of Love?  Holla at your boy.

Eww.  And double eww.  If I wanted to date some bloated, high-powered weirdo, I would have said "Yes" to Travolta years ago.  No thanks.  As for The Playboy Club, I'd just like to thank producers for trying to convince the public that a show about Playboy Bunnies running around in next to nothing is really a statement about feminism.  If that's the case, then Baywatch was actually a show about marine biology.  

That's it folks.  If you made it this far, drive home safely.  Otherwise I can just say anything I want and you'll never know.  Giraffe.


Anonymous said...

Harlem nights was great. You just have to go with it.

Shauna said...


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