Friday, March 16, 2012

Tips for St. Patrick's Day

[Considering St. Patrick's Day is actually on a Saturday this year, the following only applies to a small group of you - anyone who works at CAA, ICM and WME.  The lesser agencies like Paradigm (who?), UTA (gag) and APA (they're still in business?) and anyone who works at a studio gets weekends off.  And because I've been super busy recently, I figured why not repurpose a post from 2009.]

With tomorrow being St. Patrick's Day, you'll probably be tempted to imbibe a pinch (especially when your jobless friends call you from Molly Malone's telling you how much fun it is to spend their unemployment on Irish Car Bombs). Furthermore, the economy sucks right now and you don't want to do anything that will make you first on the list for the next round of layoffs. But that shouldn't stop you from having a little fun during the day. It's a very delicate balancing act, but you can do it. Here's how...

Hide Your Liquor -- If I learned nothing else by going to a public high school, it's how to cleverly conceal liquor from those in position of authority. During Halloween of my sophomore year, the girl who sat behind me in Spanish dressed as a baby. It was very bad costume, but there was a method to her madness. As class began, my olfactory senses went into hyper drive as I noticed the distinct scent of cheap booze. Turns out this girl's baby bottle prop was a 12-ounce rum and Coke with a rubber nipple on top. El maestro never knew. In corporate America, you can do this same thing, just make it age appropriate. Try a water bottle filled with a martini or a Starbucks that's mostly whiskey. You'll be glad you did, especially when it comes time to roll calls.

Make your liquor so obvious it couldn't possibly be liquor -- The guy whose office is a scant ten feet away from me has a full liquor cabinet. From my view, I see 750 ml bottles of Baileys, Grand Marnier, Kahlua, Maker's Mark, Bombay Gin, Amaretto, Bacardi, Glenfiddich and about five other bottles. Heck, if it's good enough for him, it's good enough for you. Of course on an assistant salary you'll only be able to afford the mini-bottles they sell on airplanes or formerly in South Carolina.

Bring in Grey Goose for your boss -- Sure he's only on Step One-Half ("Don't drink anything that's at room temperature or too watered down") of his Twelve Step Recovery, but he's already due for a backslide. And that time is now. By the time he realizes that he's off the wagon, you'll have slipped out the front door and be three sheets to the wind and hitting on a freshman from CSUN. [Tip: Make sure your boss's sponsor is programmed in the speed dial.]

Call in Sick -- No one will believe you, but who cares. Go to Seamus O'Drinkies Pub and Fight Club or any other establishment that plays on Irish stereotypes. Have a good time, wear your favorite "Fuck Me I'm Irish" shirt and try to forget that your job won't be there next week anyway.

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