UPDATE: Much to my own surprise/disappointment, I've been writing this blog since the last Olympics. And what's sadder, this is as true now as it was then (except for the Ben Silverman part. NBC finally had the good sense to chuck him in the "Executive Throw" which also featured former Disney head Rich Ross.)
Starting on 8-8-08 (Ben Silverman can only remember one number at a time) NBC will broadcast the world's greatest collection of walking drug experiments amateur athletes as they invade China for the Olympics. But unlike Itoh Sukeyuki in the Sino-Japanese War, these invaders would rather be somewhere else. Of course all this Olympic spirit got me thinking -- perhaps Hollywood assistants need their own competition. So in a drunken haze, I came up with the following -- The Hollywood Assistant Olympic Games.
Here are some of the events.
Stapler Dodge -- It's like skeet shooting in reverse. The assistant (playing the role of the clay pigeon) must dodge Swinglines thrown by an agent who can't believe he couldn't get dinner ressies at Koi on five minutes notice. [Note: Team ICM was banned from this competition for failing to fail the drug test.]
Starbucks Relay -- When the office coffee isn't good enough for the staff meeting, teams of assistants compete to see who can deliver the most Grande Skim Lattes in ten minutes to a staff of power-mad agents. A three cup penalty is assessed for every steam burn. [Note: Team Paradigm has physical and emotional scars that prevent them from feeling pain. They are the odds-on favorite.]
Moshitta -- Named after legendary fast talker and FedEx pitchman John Moshitta, this competition puts the least intelligible and quickest gabbing Hollywood assistants up against each other to see who can roll the most calls in a minute. [Note: Legend has it CAA requires assistants be able to roll 25 calls in 60 seconds as a condition of employment.]
iPhone Purchase -- In a true survival of the fittest, 30 assistants are let loose in the Apple Store and must fight to secure the last iPhone 3G for their boss. Participants are allowed to use office supplies and a USB cable to defend themselves. [Note: CBS/Paramount has an assistant who tried out for UFC.]
And the grand finale... Weekend Read Delivery -- Similar to Pheidippides announcing the defeat of the Persians, this race requires participants to hand-deliver a stack of scripts to an agent's house during Friday rush hour. [Note: In a bit of irony, the distance from the starting line at CAA to (agent's name redacted) home in Western Malibu is 26 miles 385 yards.]
I'll admit I've never watched Bachelor Pad. It looks dumb and I don't care what those idiots do. But that won't stop me from making fun of it.
Now I haven't taken a science class since high school. And even then, I went to a public school, so I didn't learn much. But one thing I'm sure of is the symbols that represent each gender. I don't know why, I just am. Probably because they're pretty simple. A male is a circle with an arrow pointing to up and to the right - representing Mars. Female is a circle with a plus sign below it - representing Venus. The only problem is ABC's graphics department doesn't see it this way.
Back and to the left
As you can see from the logo for Bachelor Pad (premiering July 23 at 8 p.m. ET), the arrow on the "O" in "Bachelor" points the wrong way. So either the bachelors on this show are some sort of new, yet unidentified gender, or ABC's graphics department fucked up. And furthermore, no one at that network is smart enough to catch such an obvious gaffe.
Of course when you consider that the network had a whopping total of ZERO SHOWS in the Top 20 for the 2011-12 season that didn't involve dancing with some sort of "stars," this error should come as no real surprise.
The question is whether or not they'll bother fixing it.
Nikki Finke is at it again. It's been a while since the dingbat did something incredibly stupid, but she's returned in full force.
Following the tragedy in Aurora, Darling Nikki opted to ask her ever-depleting fan base a couple of horribly insensitive questions regarding the box office success of The Dark Knight Rises.
She doubled down on her wacky by telling Fishbowl LA, "Of course it was important for Deadline to look at the box office
ramifications of this tragedy. I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t."
But the truth is, we should have seen this coming. Finke has a pretty good track record of writing wrong, and often downright creepy, questions for her site. The folks at the Hollywood Temp Diaries tracked down some of them as a reminder of her questionable past.
If there's one redeeming thing about Finke, she does have a pretty good theme song.
I've been on hiatus for the last month as you may or may not have noticed. The truth is after four years of doing this blog I needed a little bit of a break. And since I'm my own editor, publisher and editorial assistant, I decided what the heck. For those of you following me on Twitter and Facebook, you've likely seen that I haven't been completely radio silent. I basked in the excitement that is the forthcoming cinematic wonderment that is Raging Bull 2 and the return of Popeye to the big screen.
But my new favorite thing (outside of Nikki Finke being unable to beat out Celebuzz in the category of entertainment journalism at the LA Press Club awards) is the monumental gaffe at CNN and Fox News (among others) for the whole Obamacare/Supreme Court Ruling.
They say a picture is worth 1000 words. If that's the case, then a video is worth 1000 cringes? Laughs? Questions about editorial oversight?
It's not often that I get to say I know someone sort of famous. In fact, I'm probably the most famous person I know...that is until now. One of my long-time fans (and the best voice in the Temp Diaries Tabernacle Choir) made her Tonight Show debut the other night in a "Jay Walking" segment about whether people can sing or not.
Please enjoy Miki Yamashita. She makes her debut at 1 minute into the spot. When you're done watching it, please hire her.
Every once in a while, people get bored of my pontificating and decide to share their own tales of woe in Hollywood. I prefer this because it basically means I get all the fun of good content without having to write it.
So if you ever have any good stories you want to share, please send them along to TempX@tempdiaries.com. For now, please enjoy this one I received the other day.
A few months ago I was
working on the [singers' names redacted] music video in NYC.
I'd lived in New York for a little over a year at this point and had
driven on many jobs. But since it's mainly a walking/subway city, still
was unsure of some of the streets downtown.
I was asked to go pick up [producer's name redacted] at her hotel in Chinatown and take her to location in Herald
Square. I showed up an hour early with the car. She gets in the
car and is ready to go. At a red light, I glance at the map on my phone
to make sure I take the correct turn.
She snaps, "Oh my God! They sent
me a PA that doesn't know NY, this is terrible! Hon, if you look at
that phone again, you don't work with me."
So I put down my phone and make my way up 6th Ave to location.
The traffic is insane, bumper to bumper. She is immersed in her
computer and snaps again, "You need to go faster! The director is
already there. Do you want me to drive, because I will." What she fails to
see is that the street is PACKED and if I went any faster we would be
inside the trunk of the cab in front of us.
So, to make her happy, I
drive like a cabby -- pulling up in every open space possible. Then she
goes, "Ugh! I can't do this!" She grabs all her stuff and gets out of the
production vehicle, walks to the (also stuck in traffic) cab next
to us and hops in it.
I called the production office and told them
what happened, they said to not sweat it and come back to pick up the line producer. I went back, picked up the line
producer and took her to location only to see [producer's name redacted] get out of the cab
she ditched me for across the street. Then she bitched out the line
producer and told her I was driving way too slow and that this shit
wouldn't cut it in LA.
I worked a 22-hour day and was asked to come in the next
day to help out in the office because "there's just too much to get
done." I gladly did so. Then when I filled out the time sheet and put
my hours in, the line producer said, "Why'd you do that? " Then crossed
out my hours, changed it to 10 hours and said, "there's no OT on this
job." This is the first I'd heard of that.
It must have been "Corporate Synergy Week" or some other ridiculous edict, because last night's episode of Modern Family turned into a 30-minute infomercial for Disneyland. Or perhaps they're just kissing a little parent company ass while contract talks are going on.
(And in the event you're keeping track, the cast says "Disneyland" three times and "The Happiest Place on Earth" once before the opening credits even run.)
I was recently asked to give the
commencement address to the 2012 graduates of Emerson College. This is
a decent honor (like most Emerson students, UT-Austin was my first
choice), but I accepted it anyway. In the process of writing this
speech, I realized Hollywood execs are smarter than first thought.
Turns out it's much easier to remake something than it is to start from scratch.
Following is a transcript of that address...
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 2012:
Sunscreen sucks.
If
I could offer you only one tip for your future in Hollywood, skip the
sunscreen. The short-term perks of a tan -- the healthy glow,
tantalizing bikini lines -- have been proven time and again. The rest
of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering
experience. I will dispense this nonsense now.
Sleep around.
It's
fun. Everyone in Hollywood is good looking. When poolside at the
Roosevelt, tell the model wannabe next to you that you're a producer on
CSI: Miami. Then see what happens. Bottle service helps.
Vomit.
There's no better way to keep your body in shape than doing abdominal crunches while talking on the Porcelain telephone.
Be jealous.
This
town is full of people who get things they don't deserve. Some day,
that person might be you. And then you can look down on the masses and
mock them.
Keep your old bank statements. Throw away your love letters. Only one of these is beneficial in divorce court.
Smoke cigarettes.
Parliament
Lights. Marlboro Lights. Camel Lights. Any of them act as a
fantastic appetite suppressant. Smoking makes you cool and it looks
great on film. But don't smoke pot because it'll make you hungry.
Plagiarize.
Just tell everyone that your script is an homage to Chayefsky's Network, not a scene by-scene redo. (But hire a good lawyer just in case.)
Buy knee pads.
Maybe
you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have an affair with the
boss and get promoted. Maybe you'll accidentally get knocked up and
have to have an abortion which your boss will put on his corporate AmEx
and make you file the expense report. Maybe he'll go back to his
wife because he can't afford a divorce in a communal property state
especially in this economy.
Love is a relative term.
Whatever
you do, don't ever stop self promotion. The key to success in
Hollywood is convincing others of how great you are, even if it's not
true.
Enhance your body.
If
you see something sagging, bagging or dragging, it's best to nip it,
tuck it and suck it. If God didn't want you to get plastic surgery,
he wouldn't have invented Dr. 90210.
Lap Dance.
Because it pays more than temping and you'll meet more Hollywood executives that way.
Read the directions.
Because your boss's iPhone won't program itself.
Read fashion magazines. Inner beauty is for ugly people.
Get
to know your parents. Because once you become a big Hollywood star,
you'll blow them off in favor of partying at the Playboy mansion.
Be nice to your siblings. They've got dirt on you that they'll happily to sell to the National Enquirer if you screw them over.
Understand
that Hollywood friends come and go because if they can't do anything
for you, they're not worth your time. Plus it takes way too long to
get from Santa Monica to Los Feliz.
Live in Hollywood once, but leave before you get stupid. Live in Burbank once, but leave before you get bored.
Drink heavily.
Accept
certain inalienable truths. Reality programs are here to stay.
Movie studio execs are mostly lazy. And when you do, you'll fantasize
that when you were young, TV shows had scripts and some movies
weren't remakes.
Suck up.
Nothing
will get you further in Hollywood than kissing ass. Differentiate
yourself by ass kissing in different ways such as the Spider-man Kiss
("You produced Spider-man 3? I
love when Mary Jane sings!") and the French Canadian Kiss (It's like a
regular kiss, but without union difficulties and with a better
exchange rate.)
Find
someone to support you. Maybe they have a trust fund. Maybe...oh
it's probably a trust fund. But hold on with a vice grip because it's
easier than working.
Use hair extensions because they look completely natural. Make sure you use a nice epoxy when installing them.
Advice
is a way to helping others. Don't offer it. Dispense
"recommendations" that won't work, because you don't want someone
younger and with a higher, firmer butt passing you on the final lap.
Think your experience in Tinseltown is worse than everyone else's? Tell me how on the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." entry. Your tale of woe might just make it to the monthly calendar.
After a bit of a layoff, I'm proud to announce the return of "Ask the Genius." The idea of ATG is to ask people in the know about stuff they know. Today's edition is with John Estrada. John shares his thoughts on producing his first feature film, the
sci-fi thriller GB2525.
For more information about buying the movie, check out the website www.gb2525.com or email gb2525@earthlink.net. A copy of the trailer is at the end of the post.
DID YOU ATTEMPT TO TAKE IT TO STUDIOS OR WERE YOU ALWAYS PLANNING ON MAKING THIS YOURSELF?
Initially this film was part of a slate of projects I pitched to several studios/financiers/production companies with the “hook” being these films would target the growing Hispanic movie going audience. It was a "pass" from all whom we approached, primarily because we were unproven filmmakers with no track record of commercial success and none of our film projects had any recognizable cast attachments (e.g., Olmos, Smits, Leguizamo). Finally, after getting a pass from Roger Corman’s company, we decided to stop searching and make it ourselves.
HOW DID YOU SECURE FINANCING FOR THE PROJECT?
We decided to self-finance this film. Financing was
jumpstarted by one of the creative players, the film's co-director. An actor already committed to star in the
movie also offered to invest some money too and later earned a
co-producer credit by taking on some additional duties. In the end, all three creative players responsible for making this film each contributed
money to fund the making of this film.
HOW LONG DID EACH PHASES OF THE PROCESS TAKE?
Script development took about one year from the first time I heard the idea, to shaping a storyline and to creating characters that we really liked. Once we decided we were going to make this film ourselves, casting took about two months. Staffing fell into a similar time frame, though it was much more difficult getting reliable crew since we had no money to pay them. Shooting the film took about two years, spread out over many weekends (since all of us had full-time jobs).
WHAT WAS ONE OF THE BIGGEST CHALLENGES OF MAKING AN INDIE MOVIE?
One of the biggest challenges was the scheduling and organizing of the production schedule. In combination with that was securing locations that provided production value at an inexpensive rate. Both situations worked hand in hand because not having a location to shoot meant our schedule would be extended by one to three weeks. This in turn affected availability of actors and crew, but this came as no surprise.
WHAT WERE YOUR BIGGEST TAKE AWAYS FROM MAKING THE MOVIE?
There were two major take aways:
Have a clear understanding of who the market/audience is for the film.
Create and maintain a shared vision by the key creative players of what the film is and what it can be.
TALK ABOUT YOUR MARKETING STRATEGY.
We are currently targeting
the “friends and family” network to drive sales. Simultaneously, we are
utilizing the power of social networking to create fans of the film,
and drive visits to the website. Our core audience is Hispanics, so we are compiling
websites and portals where we can generate buzz, including focusing our
efforts in California, Arizona and Texas, where the biggest demographics
reside. Since we are a sci-fi film as well, we are researching sites
and venues that can play a role in building awareness. The objective is
to keep things simple, build awareness, and drive sales.
WHAT'S THE NEXT STEP FOR THE MOVIE?
As of today, we are fully exploiting our film via DIY Distribution utilizing Create Space via Amazon.com – both DVD and VOD. We have just completed our website that features our newest trailer and has direct links to both options for folks who want to purchase our film (via DVD or VOD).
ANY FINAL THOUGHTS?
Working with the people I did in making GB2525 was one of the greatest experiences in my life. I believe we made the best film to our capabilities, considering the severe lack of resources and money. All of the lessons I learned while making this picture, great and small, were incredibly valuable to me, and serve as a personal archive for me to review for future projects. Creativity, vision, passion, persistence, and salesmanship are the required fundamentals for independent filmmakers.
Today marks the two-year anniversary of one of my favorite Nikki Finke-isms - headline but no article. The suspense is killing me. Check it out for yourself.
Happy Administrative Professionals Week. If you're reading this right now, you're probably thinking, "I pray to any holy deity (or Eric Clapton) that this is the last time this statement applies to me." Aren't we all?
Some employers like to use this celebration of administrative types as chance to do some role playing (not the kinky sex kind, unless you're in to that). So you might get a chance to swap out positions with your boss for a just a few minutes. This way you get to see a future you'll never have while your boss quietly wonders why he agreed to this ridiculous activity. The folks at the Hollywood Temp Diaries suggest you take full advantage of this opportunity in the following ways:
Have your boss get you coffee: As you're now the boss, tell your "assistant" to make a Starbucks run for you. When he comes back with the venti, sugar free, non-fat, no-foam, extra caramel macchiato you ordered, tell him to take it back because it's cold. If the coffee is still scalding hot, just throw it at your "assistant" and say, "Iced coffee! Between April 1 and September 30, it's always iced coffee!!" Watch and chuckle as he endures second-degree burns.
Call me Maggie Gyllenhaal.
Roll calls to your friends and other people not related to work: This accomplishes two separate and distinct purposes: 1) it shows your boss that dialing the phone is so easy, even she can do it, and 2) it shows your boss that she wastes a shitload of time on personal stuff and every time she does, it keeps you from doing your actual job.
Introduce them to the multi-function photocopier: The bane of your existence will now be the bane of your "assistant's." Give her a stack of scripts, receipts and invoices that are bradded, paperclipped and stapled (respectively) and say you need three copies of each. If the undoing and re-doing of the binding doesn't get to her, then the inevitable paper jam will. And if that doesn't drive her bat shit crazy, throw everything out and tell her to do it again...double sided. Remember, we're running a "green" company here.
L'art poor art.
A closed-office meeting: Express your disappointment because your "assistant" isn't as chipper as you want him to be. Heck, you could have a new person in here starting in 10 minutes who would be grateful for the opportunity to perform the preceding tasks while making $10.50/hr. And that person would do it with a smile, Goddammit! When your "assistant" inevitably explains (quite unconvincingly) how much he loves his job, tell him it's too late. You've already found a replacement who is better looking and has a cuter butt. That's right, fire 'em.
And that's how you celebrate Administrative Professionals Week.
You're probably wondering why I haven't made fun of Nikki Finke in a while. The truth is, I stopped caring about her site. She doesn't do anything different or better than THR, Variety or The Wrap. In fact, with the exception of the periodic (and needless) use of first person in an article, you'd never know the difference between any of these publications. But then this little gem comes in courtesy of one of my fans - a breaking news item that will quickly send Hollywood running for the 405.
Nikki is on vacation!
To quote my favorite TV show Archer, "HOLY SHIT SNACKS!"
In the delusional and self-important world of one Nikki Tiberius Finke (and yes, that's her middle name), this is the most significant news since the famed Culver City traffic jam that never was caused by her show that never will be.
If you think I'm kidding...
WARNING: Breaking news will ruin the screen on your iPhone 4S.
I know there are some of you out there who hate when I write song parodies. So if you're one of these people, this is probably the day you want to avert your gaze or read some other, less interesting, blog. But for those of you who enjoy them as much as I do, I have a special treat for you today.
While it's a meaningless fact, I share the same birthday as the late George Harrison (also Carrot Top and Jim Backus, but that's less relevant). So inspired by his musical deftness, I've written another song for you to enjoy. It's called "Here comes a Job" to the tune of "Here comes the Sun."
All you need to do now is click on the play button for musical accompaniment and sing along.
HERE COMES A JOB Lyrics by Temp X Music by George Harrison
Here comes a job
Here comes a job, and I say
Just kidding
Unemployment, my benefits are running out
Unemployment, my rent is eight, no, nine days past due
Here comes a job
Here comes a job, and I say
Just kidding
Unemployment, the jobless rate is 10 percent
Unemployment, it seems like years since I've had work
Welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.* Fake Ari will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2. And who knows? One of these daysCAAmight just hire him as a floater. If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to TempX@tempdiaries.com.
*Any
similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. No
animals were harmed during the writing of this posting. Please don't
sue me.
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I am currently a senior at Ohio State and am graduating in June. Needless to say I will be applying for jobs soon and was curious if you believe it is overkill to send a cover letter when one is not requested, or is it assumed when one would send a resume.
Buenos Dias.
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Oh to be young and stupid again. Actually, to be honest, I was young, but never quite this stupid. I'm sure it's a bit disorienting. You probably wake up in the morning and wonder which shoe goes on which foot - this despite the fact that they are labeled "Left" and "The Other One."
I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the only experience you have is an internship (at best) and, more likely, only as a waiter at Hang Over Easy on Neil Ave. So in reality you have nothing. This means you need to do your damnedest to convince HR that your "can-do" attitude is good for doing something other than serving up the offensively-named "Dirty Sanchez" - scrambled eggs, chorizo, hoe fries (keeping it classy) and cheddar cheese wrapped in a soft flour tortilla and smothered in (even more) cheddar cheese, salsa and sour cream. A well-crafted cover letter might just help.
Just make sure there are no typos in your note. And don't be so pretentious as to write The Ohio State University. You and I both know OSU is still only the fifth-best school in the Big Ten regardless of how many definite articles you use.
Just look for this.
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I'm a Canadian who lives in Canada right now, and have had little success getting responses to my applications. I feel my background's pretty strong. More importantly, I'm passionate about film, have some experience in writing and making short flicks, and I feel my cover letters are fairly strong as well.
Is it possible that I'm not getting responses since I'm not a U.S citizen?
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Duh and duh. While the Canadian unemployment rate is 7.2 percent, the jobless rate in California is 10.9 percent. And don't get me started on the whole H1-B visa process. I don't care how nice your resume is, you stand a better chance of finding the God particle with a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers than you do finding a job in Hollywood. [Note: Despite what you might think, the God particle isn't named after me, although it should be.]
Hollywood is so risk averse that they've - and this is not a joke - decided to make sequel to the 1988 Danny DeVito/Arnold Schwarzenegger film Twins and call it Triplets. The execs at Universal, who have clearly lost their collective minds, are adding Eddie Murphy as the long-lost brother to a movie that will win the 2014 Razzies for Worst Film, Worst Actor (tie between Murphy and Schwarzenegger) and Worst Screenplay. Kelly Preston is a little long in the tooth to come back as Marnie Mason. So the Worst Actress nominee, but not winner, will go to Olivia Munn for her role as Laura Lau, the love interest.
So it the spirit of needless sequels, the folks at the Hollywood Temp Diaries have put together a list of other brainless films we'd like to see. [Note: If any of these get made, I want 10 percent of the gross.]
$74.99 on eBay
Titanic Two: A chip off the old block - Seventeen years after the fabled boat sinks, Rose is happily married with two children living in a remote town in Northern Idaho. Things get confusing when a lobster fisherman outside of Winter Harbor, Maine comes across a giant block of ice which contains the cryogenically frozen body of Jack Dawson. When they thaw him out, it becomes an international sensation. When the news ultimately reaches Rose, it becomes love triangle she never expected. Meanwhile Cal Hockley tracks down Jack because he needs Le Cœur de la Mer to cover his stock market losses. Cal is convinced that Jack can lead him to Rose and, ultimately, the the priceless diamond.
I'm on the phone
Dr. Strangelover or: How come only one of us has a uterus? - The bombs went off all over everywhere thanks to a busted radio and an overeager Major Kong. But in an ultimate bit of irony, the only people who were saved from the nuclear holocaust were the people in the war room and Miss Scott, who was en route to see General Turgidson when the bombing began. The sequel focuses on the challenges of starting a new society with only one woman in a room full of aesthetically, intellectually and emotionally repulsive men.
Skeet surfing?
Surf and Fight: Apocalypse Now Re-Redux - Lieutenant
Colonel Bill Kilgore is still pissed that Captain Willard stole his
surfboard, so he follows him up river. Meanwhile, Willard realizes that
it's not such a bad thing being seen "a God," and he takes over for
Kurtz. The film ends with Kilgore and Willard battling it out for
long-board superiority and control of the village 75 klicks above the Do Lung Bridge. Kelly Slater guest stars.
Think your experience in Tinseltown is worse than everyone else's? Tell me how on the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." entry. Your tale of woe might just make it to the monthly calendar.
P.S. Sorry about thinking that March is only 30 days. I probably should know that by now.
Stapler Dodge -- It's like skeet shooting in reverse. The assistant (playing the role of the clay pigeon) must dodge Swinglines thrown by an agent who can't believe he couldn't get dinner ressies at Koi on five minutes notice. [Note: Team ICM was banned from this competition for failing to fail the drug test.]
Starbucks Relay -- When the office coffee isn't good enough for the staff meeting, teams of assistants compete to see who can deliver the most Grande Skim Lattes in ten minutes to a staff of power-mad agents. A three cup penalty is assessed for every steam burn. [Note: Team Paradigm has physical and emotional scars that prevent them from feeling pain. They are the odds-on favorite.]
iPhone Purchase -- In a true survival of the fittest, 30 assistants are let loose in the Apple Store and must fight to secure the last iPhone 3G for their boss. Participants are allowed to use office supplies and a USB cable to defend themselves. [Note: CBS/Paramount has an assistant who tried out for UFC.] 
