Friday, September 11, 2009

I Will Not Get Your Fucking Coffee

Some jerkoff named Josh Olson went off the other day because someone he barely knew asked him to read a script. Rather than just let it be, Mr. Olson decided to write an article for the Village Voice (and probably make a couple bucks) about such a violation of his person. The more I read the article, the more annoyed it made me. So please allow me to speak on behalf of all the assistants and aspiring Hollywooders who saw this diatribe and wanted to punch him in the head...

I will not get your fucking coffee.

That's simple enough, isn't it? "I WILL NOT GET YOUR FUCKING COFFEE." What's not clear about that? There's nothing personal about it, nothing complicated. I just have no interest in getting your coffee. None whatsoever.

I will also not get your lunch, your dry cleaning or your cocaine. I won't lie to your significant other about where you are or who you're with. If you want your car detailed, you can take it yourself. Oh and while we're on the subject, I'm not gonna print out your phone sheet or your weekend read for you because you can just as easily do it from your computer.

This isn't anything personal. I have nothing against you. I'm sure you and your movies (which I haven't seen) are perfectly wonderful pieces of art and will end up in the pantheon of cinematic brilliance alongside Citizen Kane, The Godfather 1 & 2, Apocalypse Now and Not Another Teen Movie (really, I think it's a way underrated comedy). But go get your own fucking coffee.

You're a perfectly able-bodied person from what I can tell. The fact of the matter is I am here to make movies, just like you. It's what I went to school for. It's my passion. So let me go to the set. Give me scripts to read. Let me review dailies. Involve me in the creative process. If I wanted to sling coffee for a living, I'd get a job at Starbucks and probably make more per hour. But USC Film School didn't teach me how to prepare your coffee with three Splendas. In fact, there wasn't even a class on it, so I'm as clueless as you are on the matter.

And yes. You are a dick. A phallus that would make Ron Jeremy envious. For only a asshole like you would publicly take someone to task over this matter when you should have just politely declined and left it alone. Did it really merit an article in the Village Voice? Is a public flogging of such a random person really necessary? Have you considered anger management classes?

Listen you self-absorbed twit. I'm gonna guess that about 15 years ago, someone you barely knew took a chance on you and set you on your way. That is unless you're related to someone famous, in which case you only got your break because of your last name. But if someone did take a chance on you, how about a little pay it forward? It's assholes like you that make this town unbearable for people like us who hope for the best in people only to routinely see the worst.

Oh, and if you think you're comparable to Picasso, think again. People study Picasso. His works hang in the great museums around the globe. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that no film history class is ever going to deconstruct your 2002 feature Infested -- a horror tale about insects who devour their victims from the inside out. It's just not comparable to Picasso's Blue Period or any of his other Periods. Sorry to break the news.

And I'd love a decaf while you're in there.

16 comments:

jazzence said...

Well put.

Anonymous said...

This is awesome - best slam I've read on this so far. Except for the typos.

Josh Olson is a strait up self absorbed douche, which is not news for anybody who knew him before this letter. This letter, by the way, is sure to be something he sees as his a contribution to society. Therefore, sadly for those very reasons, he will continue to do well in this town...adapting other people's work and doing schlock horror.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad I wasn't the only person who read this article in the village voice and was thoroughly disgusted by it.

Anonymous said...

Well said!

Anonymous said...

Absolutely hysterical!

Anonymous said...

You are SO on the money, honey.

But while we're at it, might I add "I will not wash your fucking coffee cups" either. You can use up every single mug there is in the office, leaving a trail of moldy science experiements around like some perverted treasure hunt that might one day turn into penicillian, which judging how many times you have those one on one private closed door meetings with the copy boy, you might need... and I STILL won't wash your fucking coffee cup... that is, unless you read my fucking screenplay, then I might consider it.

Anonymous said...

Dahling...

That was just FABULOUS!!!

Anonymous said...

I love the uproar. Olson vs. his detractors is like a cage match of the pathologically selfish.

chaddarnell said...

A-men. I felt the same way.

Hugo Stiglitz said...

I won't read your scripts, but I will read your blog. Well done!

Anonymous said...

Right on. Could not have said it better!!!

Anonymous said...

I was gonna say a couple drops on visine never hurt anyone. But actually...

This will not produce diarrhea but oral administration of Visine can induce dangerous side effects related to Visine's ingredient tetrahydrozoline hydrochloride such as

* Dangerously low body temperature (hypothermia)
* Blurred vision
* Nausea and vomiting
* Difficulty in breathing or even a complete halt in breathing
* Elevating (hypertension) then dropping (hypotension) blood pressure
* Possible coma
* Seizures and tremors

Anonymous said...

Um, except you're being paid to get the coffee. It's called your job.

Anonymous said...

Damn fine writing. Couldn't've said it better myself... kudos to you!

Anonymous said...

I will go get your fucking coffee, because I can't find a job for crap right now. So for this whiner, shut up get the cofee suck it up. For all us unemployed peeps out here, you're just being a stupid baby.

Hell I'm even looking at Retail again, that's how bad it is!

Anonymous said...

To the Anonymous A-Hole who posted September 16, 2009 3:58

Wipe my shiny ass, k? It's not in your job description, but, um, you're getting paid to do it. You probably like doing that sort of thing anyway. I can tell.

I temped for a load of boneheads. Oh, the things I learned. One boss, married to a woman and who had kids, blew his boss, so he'd get promoted. It worked. He then stabbed his *best friend* in the back right after BF's wife died. BF never knew he did it. Nice, eh? Also stole a shit load of money and was boinking the married bonehead in HR with hemmorhoids who whined her husband didn't buy her enough Christmas presents. I could tell you more, like the female account reps who don't wear panties to client meetings. LOL. That's the advertising world for you.

Piece of shits can all work for me now that I have my shiny new U of Chicago MBA. Hey, wipe my shiny ass! It's what you're getting paid to do.

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